For Moms and Dads
July 4, 2012 by Joyce Richman · Comments Off
Moms, Dads, your grown kids are home for the holidays. Some of them are gainfully employed, making tons of money. They’re beautifully groomed, happy, healthy, generous, and kind to small animals. They’ve not only met your expectations, they’ve exceeded them.
Others have returned home, not for the holidays, but for the duration. As kind, good, well groomed, respectful and generous they may (or may not) have been in the past, what’s been leeching out lately hasn’t been so pleasant. They’re touchy, defensive, withdrawn, depressed and you’re at a loss to know what to do or how to react.
Your beloved grown children are out of work. Scared. Alone. And they want to be under your roof with you. And your cooking. Cleaning. Car. And hopefully, charge card. That’s not quite what you had in mind when you thought you launched them several years ago.
What’s a well- meaning parent to do?
“Why can I do? I can’t close my door to them. I feel stuck. I want to help, but don’t know how or if I should. None of my friends’ children have done this so I’m a little embarrassed to talk about it. Help!”
There’s no shame for them or for you that your children have come home. These are tough times. Life is expensive. It takes two salaries to do what one salary did and when one salary is the only salary and it goes away, the person impacted needs time to regroup and rethink. It’s natural to want to go home, literally and figuratively, to the emotional support and hot meals of memory. It’s natural for parents to want to embrace that need or feel that they should. It’s unnatural to expect parents to embrace the memory of piles of dirty clothes, dirty dishes, and a disrupted life.
There are mixed emotions on both sides of the equation. Grown children don’t want to live at their parents’ home. They see their return as a public admission of failure and a private act of defeat. They want to retain the independence that time and effort have earned them They don’t want to return to a time and place where they were children, and they don’t want to compare notes with childhood friends who are now successful. They don’t know what else to do.
How can adult children and their parents weather this unexpected and unplanned passage with maturity, grace and humor? By setting boundaries, clarifying expectations, establishing agreements, and demonstrating respect for each other.
For parents, setting boundaries can include hours for coming and going, and meal times Clarifying expectations can range from charging room and board to bartering food and lodging for lawn and home care and maintenance, cooking and cleaning, etc. Establishing agreements requires open and honest communication and keeps flawed assumptions from derailing family relationships.
If you’re at a loss as to how to approach these vexing problems, what would you do if you were renting a room to someone you didn’t know.
Returning grown-kids need to set expectations and boundaries for their parents as well as well as understand the ones they’ll need to heed. Before moving in, establish financial obligations: how much is room? and if board is included, what are the hours? If there’s no charge, barter your services in exchange for what you are so graciously offered. And keep your word.
Advise your parents on the best way to discuss your unemployment. Say with you and with others. Sound tough? It’s the best bargain you can get while protecting your relationship with the people you always want to be there, in word and deed.
A View from the Inside
May 3, 2011 by Joyce Richman · Comments Off
Aana is nine years old and bright. Really bright. I was interviewing her for a book chapter I’m writing about youngsters and their ideas about work and the workplace. She eased right into our conversation and jumped at a chance to give me a crash course on Star Wars characters and the relative merits of becoming a Jedi Warrior. (She’s seriously considering the latter as a career choice. I was impressed.)
We made a deal. Once our interview began in earnest, Aana could call the shots: she could stop whenever she wanted, and ask me whatever questions occurred to her. If she didn’t like a question I asked, she could tell me so, and answer it only if she wanted.
We cruised along for a while with Aana describing her hobbies and best field trips ever and what she cared about and why. She told me about school and her favorite teachers and her best subjects and then we hit “that moment”. Aana’s mom, who was sitting with us, got the nod from her daughter, and respectfully left the room, giving Aana space to speak privately.
Aana had asked her mother to leave when I asked what moms and dads need to think about before advising their children about careers. She was immediate and emphatic in her response.
“It’s OK for them to pay attention to what their kids like doing, but not stop them from doing something or get upset when they stop doing it. They need to just stay loose. Parents worry too much. They need to go with the flow. “
I asked for some explanation, some illustration of what she meant.
“Like if you are collecting Beanie Babies and then you stop. It should be OK to stop because you’re finished doing it. It doesn’t mean something is wrong or that you shouldn’t have started to collect them. It just means that’s all you want to do it. You’re ready to do something else.”
“They just worry too much,” she said, still on a roll. ”They worry too much about stuff they shouldn’t worry about and don’t worry enough about the stuff they ought to worry about.”
“What should they worry about?” I asked.
“About being a family. Being a family is more important than having a job.”
I asked how she knew.
“Because, ” she said, “I’m a kid. Kids know these things better than parents do.”
“How can kids know better than their parents?” I wondered aloud.
“‘Because we see it from the inside. They see it from the outside.”
“What shouldn’t they worry about?” I asked.
“They shouldn’t worry about what their kids should be when they grow up. Their kids are going to be just fine.”
I’ve given a lot of thought to that conversation with Aana, when I was once again reminded that we grown-ups need to talk less and listen more. And that we do worry more than we need, about things that will sort themselves out, if we will just get out of the way long enough to let it happen. When Aana said that being a family is more important than having a job, I knew that she hit the epicenter of every working parent’s concern. Moms and dads, whether living together or apart, worry about their family’s well being. They worry if they can possibly provide enough, teach enough, and care enough to make their children safe enough.
“Parents worry too much. They should go with the flow. We see it from the inside.”
Worry knits your brow and grinds your teeth. It tightens your voice and tenses your stomach and makes you sound like someone you aren’t. Worry keeps you from being a family, because someone who looks like you, is taking your place and sucking the joy out of your life. What does any of this have to do with this column and your career? Everything, if wherever you are, you are worrying about where you aren’t. Everything, if you believe you have the power to keep all bad things from happening, at home and at work. Everything, if worrying keeps the best there is about you a secret, from those who care about you and rely upon you, most. By the way, when Aana left that day, she asked me to tell her mom what she had told me.
And that’s why I’m telling you.
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Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:
Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started her own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.
Retiring to…what?
November 30, 2010 by Joyce Richman · Comments Off
“I can’t help but wonder what he’ll do once he isn’t working here anymore. This place seems to be his whole life; what happens when it isn’t?”
I bet you know him. He comes to work early and stays late. He’s known as a company man. He’s dedicated, loyal, with a work ethic that challenges the most diligent. His only fear is failing health even though he’s never had a sick day. (He’s never had a day that he stayed out sick. He’s had several sick days.)
His children have grown up without him. He tries not to think about that. They speak of him with respect but without warmth. They don’t really know him. They ask their mother if she does.
“No,” she says, “not really. But he’s always been a provider, and he’s respectful.” She says it could have been worse. She’s known of worse. She’ll take what she gets. What good would it do not to?
He’s starting to think about retiring. Not that he wants to, but he’s starting to lose his edge. He’s slower than he was, more forgetful, less enthusiastic. It takes energy to be enthusiastic. He’d rather save his energy for the nights that he works late, even if he no longer has to, or wants to.
Retirement. The word makes him tired. There’s nothing that he wants to do in retirement but maybe sleep. But he gets to sleep on weekends and still wakes up early. What does that leave? A lot of nothing. And nobody to do it with. His kids are grown and haven’t talked to him about anything important in years. Maybe never. They’re nice kids. Good kids. Kids with their own kids. But they all stay away.
His wife’s been a good sport. A good mother. She’s never demanded much. She’s stayed loyal. But they don’t have anything to talk about. What does he care about her garden or her garden club or her garden club friends? He’s never met her friends. At least he doesn’t remember meeting them. Maybe he did once, at one of the kid’s weddings. He doesn’t remember.
Volunteer. Someone at work told him that he would make a good volunteer. He doesn’t want to be some old coot who’s taking care of other old coots. That’s for somebody else.
What is he going to do when no one at work wants him anymore? He’ll have to be. And he doesn’t know how to just “be”.
If this all sounds like I’ve been watching you, I have. And I can tell you, you’re not alone, but there’s not much comfort in that, is there? The good news is, you still have time to figure this one out. Use your time wisely.
Where should you start?
Your family. Reconnect now. You want them to welcome you home. You want to have a place with them, and a part to play. You want to be as vital to them as they are to you. You’ll want to be a wise listener; an empowering husband and father. You’ll want to learn about their life’s lessons, their struggles, and their successes.
Take your time and stay the course. It won’t happen overnight. You worked your way out of their lives, you’ll have to earn your way back, one day at a time.
Your community. Take your time and learn where you can contribute most. When you combine who you are, with what you do, and where that combination is needed most, you will have a match that gives more to each than either will gain alone.
Your mind and your soul. When is the last time you read a book for no reason other than it told a great story? If it’s been a long time (or you’ve never been a reader) you’re in for quite a surprise. There’s a world of information waiting for you. Turn off the computer and experience learning where other people go to learn. Go to the library, go back to school, go to a play, go to concert, go to a parade.
Take care of your heart, your head and your feet. If you’ve avoided check-ups rather than have doctors tell you to slow down, check-in. Tell them you’re ready to listen. And if they say it’s OK, lace up your walking shoes and head outside. Go to the park because it’s there. Walk alongside babies in strollers, and dogs on leashes. Wave at children on swings and families on cookouts.
There’s an extraordinary world out there just waiting for your visit. But don’t wait until you retire.
You have time to figure it out, if you’ll start right now.
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Yes! You may use this article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:
Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts conducted seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.
Women and Retirement
August 24, 2010 by Joyce Richman · Comments Off
We were taking our weekly Sunday walk when my friend mentioned a column that I had written a few weeks earlier.
“The retirement column you wrote was definitely about men. Women retire too. Why aren’t you writing about us?”
I didn’t have an answer and realized that I was uncharacteristically without words, which is probably why I hadn’t written any. So I’ve done some asking, and thinking, and asking some more. Here’s some of what I’ve discovered. I hope you’ll fill me in on the rest:
Pre and post retirement women tell me they are seldom asked, “how are you handling retirement?” because most assume that they are continuing with what they did before their careers joined hands with the rest of their lives. They’re still working.
Most women with or without children or parents or husbands or lovers aren’t asked what they will do when they retire because they don’t.
If women don’t really retire, when do they get to rest, travel, surf the net, and in general, play hooky?
If they want to take time off, they’ll have to give notice, especially to those who have counted on them most and longest:
This is your mother speaking. I have retired. I no longer work for fee or free. I can still cook, clean, mend, and on occasion, baby sit. But now I do it when I want to and if it is convenient. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you, it means that I’m doing something for me.
This is your daughter speaking. I have retired. I may not be here when you call. That doesn’t mean that I won’t take you shopping or to the doctor, or wherever you like. It means that you’ll need an alternate plan for help when I’m not here to provide it for you. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you, it means that I’m doing something for me.
This is your wife speaking. I have retired. This is a wonderful and challenging time for me. I’ve changed since we first met. So have you. I have more skills and strengths than I earlier realized . My expectations are different than they were then. I am more than I was and there is more that I want to be. I’m going to continue to grow. I’d like your encouragement and support along the way.
This is a single woman, with no kids, speaking. I have retired. That means that at last I am free to do and be what I choose, everyday. I can go out and volunteer, slap paint on a wall or take the dog to the vet. I can walk in the park, compute in the dark, read a book or take a nap. And I can do it anytime I want to.
If you are reasonably secure with a sense of emotional and physical well being you can do whatever you choose. So do something of value in your retirement.
Dare to dream. Challenge yourself to make it happen. Stretch, grow, take a chance. These are the years you’ve waited a lifetime to begin. They don’t come with a road map or a how-to manual.
You will need courage, imagination and initiative:
Courage to ask questions and go places you’ve not gone before.
Imagination to create possibilities and options for how to obtain them.
Initiative to go where you need without waiting for an invitation or asking for permission.
Expand your horizons by meeting people who do what you’d love to do. Attend workshops and seminars and exhibits and classes that teach what you’d love to learn.
Where to go, what to do?
Check for interesting programs at your library, Volunteer Center, Women’s Resource Center, Women’s Hospital, Arts Center, YWCA, and your religious or spiritual center, just for starters.
Check for a comprehensive list of community clubs and organizations at your public library web site, or stop by and ask.
Check the newspaper for interesting speakers, performances, and profiles of local folks you’d like to meet.
Check with community colleges, liberal arts colleges, and universities for courses designed for the life long learner.
It takes courage to create a retirement that spits in the eye of conventional wisdom. If anyone can make a beginning out of an ending, it’s you.
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Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:
Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started her own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.
Summer Employment for Teenagers
June 8, 2010 by Joyce Richman · Comments Off
Parents, from your calls and emails it sounds like finding summer employment for your teenagers is top of mind these days. Just be careful. If you get too involved, their search will become your search, and even worse, they could stop searching before they even get started.
“I provide our family gracious living; a fine home, cars, vacations, club memberships, you name it. I’ve been in a family business for a long while so I’m well connected. People would hire my teenager in a minute if I just asked. The good news is he doesn’t want my help; he wants to get a job on his own. The bad news is he’s not doing anything to get one. So I asked a buddy of mine to give my son a summer job. He said he would; all my kid had to do was pick up the phone and call him. I think problem solved. But my son didn’t call him. No matter how many times I told him to. Now I’m embarrassed my kid didn’t follow through. He still doesn’t have a job, and I don’t want to get anyone else involved in this mess. What can I do to solve his problem?”
As long as you provide “gracious living”, your teenager won’t be motivated to do anything about his problem. He doesn’t think he has one. Create one for him. Charge him for the food, shelter, clothing and transportation he enjoys. No pay, no play. And stick to the plan. If you waver a little or waver a lot, game’s over. You both lose.
“Our very independent teenage daughter wants to work this summer, and her father and I prefer she spend the time with us, bonding, traveling, and relaxing together. She’ll soon be off to college and a life of her own. We want to enjoy our little girl just a little longer. How can we say this to her and not come across as ‘smothering’? (Her choice of words, not ours.)”
Given that she’s independent, wants to earn her own way and create some personal space she’s differentiating herself from you and her dad. That’s part of the process typically described as ‘growing up’. You need to participate in that process as well and learn to let go. Respect your daughter’s preferences without guilt tripping or judging them, and trust that the values you’ve instilled within her will serve her well in the future.
“My son is interviewing for summer jobs and hasn’t had any luck. He’s clean-cut, polite, and very reserved. He’s not very competitive. He holds back and doesn’t sell himself. Have you any advice for him, or for us, in helping him overcome this hurdle?”
Bottom line, applicants of all ages have to assert themselves if they want to compete for available job opportunities. Teenagers, reserved and outgoing are more likely to enjoy work and add value when they’re well matched to environments that bring out the best in them. Outgoing teens who are energized by interaction enjoy working in social, relational settings found in retail, food service, and entertainment venues. Reserved teens who draw energy from within, prefer environments that support that preference; libraries, research centers, book stores, museums, art galleries; positions that rely more on individual contribution than team interaction.
If you want to help, ask how you can be a resource. Your teens might want a non- judgmental sounding board for their job seeking concerns or a way to role-play questions they’re apt to be asked. If you want to help, but don’t think you can (and neither do they), find them someone who can.
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Yes! You may use this article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:
Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started he own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.
A Cautionary Tale
July 9, 2009 by Joyce Richman · Comments Off
I typically dedicate this column to active job seekers, providing strategies, techniques, and best practices to enable them to reach the kind of outcomes that will be personally and professionally satisfying.
I got a call last week from Alex (not even close to his real name) who asked that I tell you his story. It’s not about how he’s looking for a job. It’s about why. Alex was fired four weeks ago. He wants to share his cautionary tale with you.
Alex is a mid level manager who describes himself as intelligent, hard working, and dedicated. He says he’s not the kind of person to whom people are naturally attracted. “I guess you’d call me colorless. I like to stay under the radar. I don’t argue. I don’t push back. I keep my head down and stay out of trouble.” He’s the first one at work and the last one to leave. The janitorial staff has gotten used to cleaning around him.
Alex doesn’t aspire to much more than what he’s doing but admits to being discouraged when promotions and increases don’t come his way. His average performance reviews describe him as “steady,” “reliable,” and “not apt to take risks.”
Alex admits he’s frustrated; he’s working harder and longer and getting less satisfaction from it. He supervises two people who do the minimum, leave at five, and appear to enjoy a very full and happy life.
Alex knows he’s out of balance. His wife told him so, in clear, unambiguous, and highly audible language. She’s said she’s tired of carrying all the responsibility for raising kids and keeping house. She’s tired of living like a single parent. She wants him home, not just to pick up the slack but to reawaken their relationship. They have three children. His kids call him Phantom and seem genuinely surprised and sometimes startled when they glimpse him during daylight hours.
“Why’s Dad home?” they say. “Did he get fired?” Kids can be prophetic.
When Alex is home (a few hours on a Sunday afternoon) he’s zonked out on the sofa in front of the giant TV he bought the family as a peace offering. They like the TV and plan their lives without him. Alex knows that things can’t stay as they are, that he works too many hours; but he’s afraid not to, afraid to fall behind.
“Is Dad divorcing us?” That’s what Alex’s youngest son asks his mother. When she relays the question to Alex she’s playing more than the messenger. “We all want to know,” she said. “because if you are and nothing’s going to change, we need to make the arrangement permanent.”
Alex swears that he never saw it coming. “I know I sound insensitive, uninvolved, uncaring, everything you associate with absentee dads. I know I should have been more attentive. But everything I did, everything, was for them, for my wife and my kids. I thought they understood that.”
He doesn’t know what to do or say, so he responds the way he always has, he goes back to the office and works harder.
You can imagine his surprise when his boss greets him late one Friday afternoon to tell him, “Alex, this in your last day here.”
“Alex, you spend more time here than anyone else. I don’t know if you’re the hardest working employee we have. You’re definitely the most inefficient. You’re not managing your time and you’re not managing your subordinates. In twelve years you haven’t grown beyond where you were when you first came. You don’t lead, challenge, motivate, or empower anyone, yourself included. And at your level, that’s what we pay you to do. We’re doing you a favor, Alex. We’re letting you go.”
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Yes! You may use this article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:
Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started he own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.
Finding Balance
June 4, 2009 by Joyce Richman · Comments Off
Balance. Who cares and what does it have to do with your job search? Several clients have called, wanting to figure it out.
The call for balance used to be the province of women in the workplace. “I’m expected to do it all,” some whispered.
“I expect to do it all,” others proclaimed. And it still falls to many a woman with spouse, child, or children, to be the point person in charge of cleaning the hearth and the cook pots, preparing the meals, and managing the youngsters and the places they go when that’s where they need to be.
Now she’s making room for her male counterpart who says he needs and wants balance as well.
“Life is too short to live my life the way my dad lived his,” says the man I’ll name Dan. “He gave his all to make enough money for us to live comfortably, attend the right schools, and have the right experiences, so that we could do well, on our own and without him. He was prophetic. He died when my brothers were in their twenties and I was fifteen. I miss him and miss the memories that I don’t have of him. We didn’t go fishing, play ball, or shoot hoops together. I went with others instead of him, because he had to work, to “pay for all this, son, or you wouldn’t have it.”
We didn’t play Monopoly or Scrabble, checkers or chess. “What do you think, son, that I have time for that? Ask your brothers to play with you, so I can take a nap before I head back to work.”
What I would given to have known him better. To have known what he cared about besides making a life for us, so I’d know if I wanted to be the man he was or the man I wanted him to be.”
Dan wants a career that will enable him to be the father he wants his children to have.
How can a man without inherited wealth, power, or prestige give his family the time they deserve?
“I told my wife back when we were dating that I wanted to share my life with her and with the children that I hoped we would have together. That meant we’d probably not have a lot of what folks have with big salaries, big careers, and company demands that require 24/7 attention. I found the right life’s partner. She agreed that our time together was more important than time dedicated to work, and without each other.
“When we had kids, and we’ve had three, we let them know, through our actions, not our words, what mattered. We managed their expectations by being clear about our own. We were a family. We cared about each other. We built self esteem by holding each other accountable for the safety, security, and well-being of the other. We couldn’t guarantee happiness, we couldn’t shape personality as though it were clay, but we could love each other for the person he and she was, not who we were or wanted them to be.
“I’ve told every boss I’ve had that my family was more important to me than my company. Only one challenged me with an imbalanced number of hours, and days, and obligations. I pushed back, respectfully, and we worked it out.”
“I’ve chosen to be an average but steady employee who’s received an average number of promotions and increases through the years. “
“I’m OK with that. I’ve been a good dad, a good spouse, a responsible provider, and an honest person. My children are grown now, and they know who I am. That’s all I wanted from my dad, and all I wanted to give my children.”
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Yes! You may use this article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:
Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started he own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.
Advice for Children of Laid Off Parents
January 24, 2009 by Joyce Richman · Comments Off
OK, children, listen up. Your mom’s been laid off. That’s right, she’s lost her job and she’s concerned. She loves you and she’s going to continue to provide for you. You just need to give her time and space to figure out what she’s going to do next, so life can get back to normal. You can lend a hand.
Support can be financial and it can be emotional. You may be too young to help with the finances but just the right age to be a real help around the house. Clean your room. Clear the table. Mow the lawn. Be nice to your brother and stop teasing the dog. Instead of asking Mom to buy you something that you want and don’t need, ask her what she needs and what you can do for her.
It’s easier to deal with family layoffs when you’re too young to understand the consequences of job loss. It’s harder when you’re old enough to realize the impact and not old enough to influence the outcome. Particularly if you’re worried about the effect it can have on you personally. For example:
Your dad’s been laid off. The company he worked for went out of business and there wasn’t anything he could do to keep it afloat. You know he’s worried, even though he says that he’s not. He tells you and your sister to cheer up, there’s nothing to be concerned about, but you are, just the same.
Your dad always said that if you had good grades and could get accepted, he’d pay tuition and expenses to any college you wanted to attend. You’ve worked hard on your studies and have been accepted to your top choice, a small private college in the northeast. Money wasn’t supposed to be a problem. There was supposed to be plenty of money to pay for your education. Now it doesn’t look that way. Your sister said you’re selfish if you insist on going there with dad out of work. You tell her to butt out, that it’s between you and dad. Now you’re not sure what the right thing is and you’re afraid to ask.
You’ve started to avoid everyone at home, especially dad. You don’t want to ask how his job search is going because it probably isn’t going anywhere and knowing that will just make matters worse.
You have a friend, Pat, whose dad’s been out of work for months. Pat recently took an after school job at a grocery store, stocking shelves and bagging groceries. You asked him if he was embarrassed for kids at school to know what he was doing. Pat looked at you like he was looking at a stranger. “I’m helping the family”, he said. “What would you do if you were in my shoes?” You are in his shoes and you don’t have the courage to think about it.
Find your courage. You’re a member of a family that needs everyone to pitch in and figure out the best way to get through a rough time. Talking about it, openly and honestly, is the first step to working your way through it.
Begin by talking with your dad. Invite him for a walk, a run, a lunch, some coffee. Get him out of the house and to a place where the two of you can be alone. Make this about him, not about you. Ask how he’s doing and how he’s feeling. Listen to what he says and how he looks when he says it. Respond to his feelings more than the content of his words. Ask what you can do to be a support to him and the family and ask in a way that demonstrates that you care.
Talk with him about college and your desire to attend. Let him know that you want to ease the financial burden it will have on the family. You may find that attending an in-state university and working to help support yourself is a reasonable option. As a result, you’ll have an education, work experience, be more marketable, and you’ll always know that you did the right thing when it counted most.
