Tips for dealing with kids who say, ‘I’m coming back’

People all over the country are finding solace, encouragement and a passel of practical tips from a small paperback written by two Greensboro authors, Joyce Richman and Barbara Demarest. With decades of executive and career coaching between them, the pair teamed up to address a very timely topic, “boomerang kids,” a term coined a few years ago to describe adults, who, for a variety of reasons, have to move back in with their parents.
A recent CNN Money story reported that 85 percent of last year’s college graduates say they would move back home with their parents if they couldn’t find a job.

Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job

“The stories are also there,” Demarest told me,” to say to the parents, ‘Your problem is not unique, you’re not alone.”

Dozens of human interest stories have emerged as a consequence of this year’s earthquakes, oil spills, fires and tornadoes. We’ve learned about the brave few who helped the many; the risk taking few who endangered the many; and the reluctant few who created more work for the dependable many.

The stories revealed the ways we react when confronted with the unexpected. They tell us more about ourselves and each other than we might at first realize:

People who are at their best when managing and maintaining a well oiled operation are typically at their worst when things suddenly go very wrong. Like deer caught in the headlights, they’re more fixated by the intense light than the moving object that’s attached to it. Whether it’s  happening to deer or people, the results can be disastrous.

Those at their best when handling crisis are at their worst when the action and activity slows down. They aren’t maintainers, never were, never will be. Give them jobs that require spontaneity, flexibility and versatility and they’ll respond with focus, energy and enthusiasm.

An old friend recently returned from an unusual trip to a place just east of the end  of the earth. Her trip was more exotic than she intended: her baggage, including survival gear, didn’t make it. How did she handle the unintended? In stride. She thrives on challenge and met this one, characteristically, head on. What is she like at work? The same way. Throw barriers her way and she’ll clear them all with style. Give her a mundane job and she’ll have trouble staying awake.

A positive, hard-charging, successful, upwardly mobile executive suddenly found himself on a downward spiral he felt unable to stop. He complained of insomnia, anxiety, night sweats, and an inability to focus.

His company had  merged with another, his job title and responsibilities were changed, his clout diminished.  He went from doing what he knew best to what he did least well. Always touted as a high potential, standout performer, it was unthinkable that he could fail. But that’s what kept him awake at night. If I can’t do this, if I fail at this, how will I care for my family? What will happen to me? What will happen to all of us?

Over reactions? Not to the person having them.

How important is it to be well matched to what you do? There is no way to overestimate the importance of that relationship.

High achievers, driven to succeed by whatever means necessary rather than by the necessary means, find themselves derailed by a train they never saw coming. Call it the Peter Principle or blindsiding, they won’t get it until they understand it.

What are the necessary means? They include having the self awareness to know the difference between personal strengths and  acquired skills and to get them in the right order.

Skills are learned. Strengths are inherent.  Strengths precede skills, not the reverse.

Example: Let’s say that your strengths include an ability to see the big picture and to articulate the steps needed to attain it. You motivate others by describing the picture you see, your deeply held commitment to the initiative, and your support of those who would join you in the effort. Develop and align skills in marketing, budgeting, and financial analysis. Get training in team and project management, conflict management, and leadership development. Learn as much as you can about how business is run. Learn from  people who do what you don’t want to do; they’ll see the problems you’ll miss, they’ll have the solutions you’ll need.

You get into trouble when you put skills before strengths. Example: You are a successful accountant and are recognized and rewarded  for your attention to detail and the bottom line. You’ve been offered a promotion, moving from accounting manager (strength) to director of strategic initiatives (weakness), reporting to the president.  You will be expected to hit the ground running.

You’ve always achieved in the past. You figure that you’re a smart guy, a quick teach, so how hard can it be? Too hard if you have to perform outside your strengths, excelling even as you are learning.

You study, you strain, you look cool and don’t risk asking too many questions (how would it look if the new Director of Strategic Initiatives doesn’t understand strategy or how to initiate it? What if he’s better at analyzing what’s already there than dreaming up something that isn’t?)

You try to fake it til you make it. It doesn’t work. You try not to panic. Should you quit your job and leave town? Should you admit you’re over your head and ask for your old job back, the one that’s been filled by Betty who’s supporting three kids and her sick mother?

Like that deer caught in the headlights, you’re focused on the glare instead of the actions you need to take.

Do you know what your strengths are? Not sure? Ask people you trust to tell you. Build on that foundation by learning from others who do it  better than you do. Take calculated risks, reach for opportunities that challenge you to do more than you thought possible, and always, always, capitalize on your strengths.

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Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started her own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

Individuals who choose careers in the non profit world of human services are a particularly hearty lot. They do more with much less and  try harder because giving up isn’t an option. They lead, follow, direct and manage kindred spirits who join them in believing that what they do makes a difference, and those who benefit, deserve the chance it gives them.

Who takes care of those who tirelessly care for others? What does it take to maintain belief and passion? What is the cost of caring so much?

I spoke with two non-profit professionals who work to provide services to those in need. Here’s some of what they said:

“I give. That’s what I do. That’s who I am. I give time and energy to those who are in need because I believe they should have access to a better life than the one they are currently living.”

I asked, “When you give, you must have a source from which you draw energy. What is it?”

He said, “ For me, it’s something that comes from within. It’s an indefinable need to relate to others in a way that empowers them to be and do more. My reward comes when it works. I have to do it. Anything else, any other job or career, wouldn’t be right for me.”

As I listen, I’m overwhelmed by the emotional generosity of these dedicated souls, and exhausted by work that must take all that they have, all the time. I asked how they handle it.

She said, “I do get tired. I give so much at work that I often wish I had more left over for those who count on me most. My family supports my efforts yet I wonder if they’ll say, ‘let this time be about me. Give me something of what you give them’. I’m grateful that they understand just how important this work is.”

I asked who they turn to for emotional support?

He said, “To be honest, I don’t turn to anyone. I’m supposed to be the strong one. I listen to my friends and help them with their problems. I probably don’t let on that I need more from them then they are apt to provide me.”

Why don’t you tell them? If they knew they’d probably be there for you as well.

And he said, “I don’t want to appear needy. I can handle it. It’s what I do. I just don’t want to burn out.”

She came in when he faltered, saying, “It’s not their fault. It’s ours. We insist upon being everyone’s pillar of strength. We’re always ready to  lend a helping hand. We do it to ourselves. We define ourselves by what we do and what we give. It’s our reason for being. And yes, we get tired and sometimes we want someone else to carry the load, just for a while. Then we get our second wind.”

How can someone give care to the caregiver?

He responded in a way that addressed the personal, as well as the professional challenge faced by many who give their time to the work of human services: “We need to hear more people say.’Tell me the job you need done and I’ll do it’. We need those who benefit from the generosity of others to repay that gift by giving others, less able than themselves, whatever they can afford. Sometimes the best thing is a  strong back, an open mind and a giving heart.”

Volunteers and their managers step up, everyday, to enable those with less access, less opportunity, and less possibility, something more than they might otherwise have. It’s called hope.

In response to her presentation, participants commented:

• Joyce’s understanding not only of the skills of finding a job, but the emotional factors of a job search made her presentation helpful and empowering.
• Several people left feeling less burdened by the job search than when they came in.
• Joyce was so helpful, enlightening, and clarifying.  She gave insight to my questions and concerns.

• how to stay focused on the job search
• understanding the needs of all the family members affected by job loss and long-term unemployment
• the emotional roller coaster within families when there is job loss
• tools for supporting each other during difficult times

Has your career been interrupted from a layoff?

Is your career not utilized much anymore in this economy?

And how about those interviews that are swamped with others competing for the same work?

Your head is full of worries, it’s time for your heart wisdom to take over. Now it’s time to go to your imagination and intuition for guidance.  Joyce Richman, Executive Coach, columnist and TV personality will be the featured guest on Conversations with Yourself with host Joyce Anderson.

Joyce Anderson Radio Host

The broadcast is THURSDAY, December 9, 2010

This is an internet radio program where you can log in to listen:

http://www.voiceamerica.com/voiceamerica/vepisode.aspx?aid=50317

And if you miss it live, you can still use this link to listen later.

Career and Executive Coach, Joyce Richman visited B’nai Shalom Day School on February 23, 2010 to share information about the Myers Briggs personal style inventory.

To find Joyce’s articles, go to the Career Center at www.roanoke.com/job.