Tips for dealing with kids who say, ‘I’m coming back’

People all over the country are finding solace, encouragement and a passel of practical tips from a small paperback written by two Greensboro authors, Joyce Richman and Barbara Demarest. With decades of executive and career coaching between them, the pair teamed up to address a very timely topic, “boomerang kids,” a term coined a few years ago to describe adults, who, for a variety of reasons, have to move back in with their parents.
A recent CNN Money story reported that 85 percent of last year’s college graduates say they would move back home with their parents if they couldn’t find a job.

Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job

“The stories are also there,” Demarest told me,” to say to the parents, ‘Your problem is not unique, you’re not alone.”

A client  shared this childhood experience with me and described the  impact that it’s had on her life and career. She said I could share it with you. The only thing I’ve changed are the names…

“Momma loved to get into her car and drive wide open. Only problem was she’d fall asleep at the wheel. She’d sleep anywhere she’d put herself and she was more apt to put herself at the wheel than anywhere else.”

Momma had narcolepsy and Sally was the designated child to keep her alive. Sally was the fourth of four, didn’t have a daddy, and was the one most likely to do anything she and her momma set their minds to doing. She was, hands down, her mother’s favorite.

Little wonder that when momma had just about enough of the round eyed “huh-us? “ of her three other children, she’d take off to the garage and back out the old Plymouth. Grinding gears and dialing up the radio, she’d start yelling for Sally to jump in quick.

Sally learned to run real fast when she’d hear the screen door slam and momma halloo to her. Momma wanted to get out in the cool night air, driving 80 miles an hour on country roads and hairpin curves, before she’d fall asleep again.

“Saaaallllllyyyyyy!!!” she’d be hollering. “Keep your blessed mother awake. Talk to me child, talk to me loud!”

Sally would bounce on her haunches, ears set up high like a terrier’s, talking and laughing and singing at the top of her lungs. She was having another electric evening with momma, keeping her awake at the wheel while they’d fly into the night. While they’d fly by the stars.

That was a long time ago. Now, Sally’s the grown up vice president of sales and marketing for a large consumer goods manufacturer, and the acknowledged right hand to a smart as a whip entrepreneur who doubles as a president and change agent.

He values Sally’s ability to know what he wants before he wants it, her ability to take risk and maintain a sense of balance amidst the chaos and ambivalence that risk creates. Above all, he values her ability to inhale his frenetic energy and exhale calm and confidence. Their combination is unbeatable.

For years recruiters have plied her with opportunities to lead companies; they implore her to “just talk with the search committee. Listen to what they’re telling you, Sally. You can do this! The sky’s the limit for you.”

She’ll have none of it. She knows who she is and what she does best. She’s not about to jump, untethered, into a career abyss. She knows what she brings to the table and is well compensated for it. Her career has taken off like her mother’s Plymouth and she’s not about to crash into Old Man Peabody’s store.

Mr. Peabody ran the general store at Cooper’s Crossing.  He was an ornery old coot and there wasn’t a soul in town who wanted to get around him. He probably never slept ‘cause you could see him, day or night, leaning on the counter next to the cash register, staring at nothing in particular. That was until the night momma flew into his store. Or crashed into it; depending on your perspective.

Sally and momma had taken off on one of their hair-raising rides through the countryside. Momma seemed different that night; she was calmer and drove like most other folks. The radio was turned down low, and somebody was singing something soft and sweet. Lulled by the near gentleness of the ride, Sally took her eyes off momma, and off the road ahead, and fell asleep.

It was then, or a second later, that they landed smack on top of the general store. Lucky for Mr. Peabody, he glimpsed momma and me and the car coming. That was just before it came to rest on the other side of the cash register.

He took a liking to momma, who took a liking to him, which kept her out of trouble, and Sally got to finish growing up. Years would pass before she’d realize how profound the experience was and how large a part it played in how she lived her life.

Sally’s willing to take the necessary risks when the goal feels right and the people wanting it are worth the challenge. What she learned from growing up with her mother was to anticipate: anything can take you off course.

She’s learned to evaluate, on the fly when necessary, that sometimes you have to take control away from those people who can destroy more than what looks like a summer night’s drive to the moon.

That’s what Sally does, and her boss trusts her to do it well.

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Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started her own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

Aana is  nine years old and bright. Really bright. I was interviewing her for a book chapter I’m writing about youngsters and their ideas about work and the workplace. She eased right  into our conversation and jumped at a chance to give me a crash course on Star Wars characters and the relative merits of becoming a Jedi Warrior. (She’s seriously considering the latter as a career choice. I was impressed.)

We made a deal. Once our interview began in earnest, Aana could call the shots: she could stop whenever she wanted,  and ask me whatever questions occurred to her. If she didn’t like a question I asked, she could tell me so, and answer it only if she wanted.

We cruised along for a while with Aana describing her hobbies and best field trips ever and what she cared about and why. She told me about school and her favorite teachers and her best subjects and then we hit “that moment”.  Aana’s  mom, who was sitting with us, got the nod from her daughter, and respectfully left the room, giving Aana space to speak  privately.

Aana had asked her mother to leave when I asked what moms and dads need to think about before advising their children about careers. She was immediate and emphatic in her response.

“It’s OK for them to  pay attention to what their kids like doing, but not stop them from doing something or get upset when they stop doing it. They need to just stay loose. Parents worry too much. They need to go with the flow. “

I asked for some explanation, some illustration of what she meant.

“Like if  you are collecting Beanie Babies and then you stop. It should be OK to stop because you’re finished doing it. It doesn’t mean something is wrong or that  you shouldn’t have started to collect them. It just means that’s all you want to do it. You’re ready to do something else.”

“They just worry too much,” she said, still on a roll. ”They worry too much about stuff they shouldn’t worry about and don’t worry enough about the stuff they ought to worry about.”

“What should they worry about?” I asked.

“About being a family. Being a family is more important than having a job.”

I asked how she knew.

“Because, ” she said, “I’m a kid. Kids know these things better than parents do.”

“How can kids know better than their parents?” I wondered aloud.

“‘Because we see it from the inside. They see it from the outside.”

“What shouldn’t they worry about?” I asked.

“They shouldn’t  worry about what their kids should be when they grow up. Their kids are going to be just fine.”

I’ve given a lot of thought to that conversation with Aana, when I was once again reminded that  we grown-ups need to talk less and listen more. And that we do worry more than we need, about things that will sort themselves out,  if we will just get out of  the way long enough to let it happen. When Aana said that being a family is more important than having a job, I knew that she hit the epicenter of every working parent’s concern. Moms and dads, whether living together or apart, worry about their family’s well being. They worry if they can possibly provide enough, teach enough, and care enough to make their children safe enough.

“Parents worry too much. They should go with the flow. We see it from the inside.”

Worry knits your brow and grinds your teeth. It  tightens your voice and tenses your stomach and makes you sound like someone you aren’t.  Worry keeps you from being a family, because someone who looks like you, is taking your place and sucking the joy out of  your life. What does any of  this have to do with this column and your career? Everything, if wherever you are, you are worrying about where you aren’t. Everything, if you believe you have the power to keep all bad things from happening, at home and at work. Everything, if  worrying  keeps the best there is about you a secret, from those who care about you and rely upon you, most. By the way, when Aana left that day, she asked me to tell her mom what she had told me.

And that’s why I’m telling you.

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Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started her own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

“I can’t help but wonder what he’ll do once he isn’t working here anymore. This place seems to be his whole life; what happens when it isn’t?”

I bet you know him. He comes to work early and stays late.  He’s known as a company man. He’s dedicated, loyal, with a work ethic that challenges the most diligent. His only fear is failing health even though he’s never had a sick day. (He’s never had a day that he stayed out sick. He’s had several sick days.)

His children have grown up without him. He tries not to think about that. They speak of him with respect but without warmth. They don’t really know him. They ask their mother if she does.

“No,” she says, “not really. But he’s always been a provider, and he’s respectful.” She says it could have been worse. She’s known of worse. She’ll take what she gets. What good would it do not to?

He’s starting to think about retiring. Not that he wants to, but he’s starting to lose his edge. He’s slower than he was, more forgetful, less enthusiastic. It takes energy to be enthusiastic. He’d rather save his energy for the nights that he works late, even if he no longer has to, or wants to.

Retirement. The word makes him tired. There’s nothing that he wants to do in retirement but maybe sleep. But he gets to sleep on weekends and still wakes up early. What does that leave? A lot of nothing. And nobody to do it with. His kids are grown and haven’t talked to him about anything important in years. Maybe never. They’re nice kids. Good kids. Kids with their own kids. But they all stay away.

His wife’s been a good sport. A good mother. She’s never demanded much. She’s stayed loyal. But they don’t have anything to talk about. What does he care about her garden or her garden club or her garden club friends? He’s never met her friends. At least he doesn’t remember meeting them. Maybe he did once, at one of the kid’s weddings. He doesn’t remember.

Volunteer. Someone at work told him that he would make a good volunteer. He doesn’t want to be some old coot who’s taking care of other old coots. That’s for somebody else.

What is he going to do when no one at work wants him anymore? He’ll have to be. And he doesn’t know how to just “be”.

If this all sounds like I’ve been watching you, I have. And I can tell you, you’re not alone, but there’s not much comfort in that, is there? The good news is, you still have time to figure this one out. Use your time wisely.

Where should you start?

Your family. Reconnect now. You want them to welcome you home. You want to have a place with them,  and a part to play. You want to be as vital to them as they are to you. You’ll want to be a wise listener; an empowering husband and father. You’ll want to learn about their life’s lessons, their struggles, and their successes.

Take your time and stay the course. It won’t happen overnight. You worked your way out of their lives, you’ll have to earn your way back, one day at a time.

Your community. Take your time and learn where you can contribute most. When you combine who you are, with what you do, and where that combination is needed most, you will have a match that gives more to each than either will gain alone.

Your mind and your soul. When is the last time you read a book for no reason other than it told a great story? If it’s been a long time (or you’ve never been a reader) you’re in for quite a surprise. There’s a world of information waiting for you.  Turn off the computer and experience learning where other people go to learn. Go to the library, go back to school,  go to a play, go to concert, go to a parade.

Take care of  your heart, your head and your feet. If you’ve avoided check-ups rather than have doctors tell you to slow down, check-in. Tell them you’re ready to listen. And if they say it’s OK, lace up your walking shoes and head outside. Go to the park because it’s there. Walk alongside babies in strollers, and dogs on leashes. Wave at children on swings and families on cookouts.

There’s an extraordinary world out there just waiting for your visit. But don’t wait until you retire.

You have time to figure it out, if you’ll start right now.

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Yes! You may use this article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts conducted seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

“The retirement column you wrote was definitely about men. Women retire too. Why aren’t  you writing about us?”

I didn’t have an answer and realized that I was uncharacteristically without words, which is probably why I hadn’t written any. So I’ve done some asking, and thinking, and asking some more. Here’s some of  what I’ve discovered. I hope you’ll fill me in on the rest:

Pre and post retirement women tell me they are seldom asked, “how are you handling retirement?” because most assume that they are continuing with what they did before their careers joined hands with the rest of their lives. They’re still working.

Most women with or without children or parents or husbands or lovers aren’t asked what they will do when they retire because they don’t.

If women don’t really retire, when do they get to rest, travel, surf the net, and in general, play hooky?

If they want to take time off, they’ll have to give notice, especially to those who have counted on them most and longest:

This is your mother speaking. I  have retired. I no longer work for fee or free. I can still cook, clean, mend, and on occasion, baby sit. But now I do it when I want to and if it is convenient. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you, it means that I’m doing something for me.             

This is your daughter speaking. I have retired.  I may not be here when you call. That doesn’t mean that I won’t take you shopping or to the doctor, or wherever you like. It means that you’ll need an alternate plan for help when I’m not here to provide it for you.  That doesn’t mean I don’t love you, it means that I’m doing something for me.

This is your wife speaking. I have retired.  This is a wonderful and challenging time for me.  I’ve changed since we first met. So have you. I have more skills and strengths than I earlier realized . My expectations are different than they were then. I am more than I was and there is more that I want to be. I’m going to continue to grow. I’d like your encouragement and support along the way.

This is a single woman, with no kids, speaking. I have retired.  That means that at last I am free to do and be what I choose, everyday. I can go out and volunteer, slap paint on a wall or take the dog to the vet. I can walk in the park, compute in the dark, read a book or take a nap. And I can do it anytime I want to.

If  you are reasonably secure with a sense of emotional and physical well being you can do whatever you choose. So do something of value in your retirement.

Dare to dream. Challenge yourself to make it happen. Stretch, grow, take a chance. These are the years you’ve waited a lifetime to begin. They don’t come with a road map or a how-to manual.

You will need courage, imagination and initiative:

Courage to ask questions and go places you’ve not gone before.              

Imagination to create possibilities and options for how to obtain them. 

Initiative to go where you need without waiting for an invitation or asking for permission.

Expand your horizons by meeting people who do what you’d love to do. Attend workshops and seminars and exhibits and classes that teach what you’d love to learn.

Where to go, what to do?

Check for interesting programs at your library,  Volunteer Center,  Women’s Resource Center, Women’s Hospital,  Arts Center, YWCA, and your religious or spiritual center, just for starters.

Check for a comprehensive list of community clubs and organizations at your public library web site, or stop by and ask.

Check the newspaper for interesting speakers, performances,  and profiles of local folks you’d like to meet.

Check with community colleges, liberal arts colleges, and universities for courses designed for the life long learner.

It takes courage to create a retirement that spits in the eye of conventional wisdom. If anyone can make a beginning out of an ending, it’s you.

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 Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

 Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started her own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

I was entering elementary school and I still didn’t talk. I was born into a family that was extroverted, emotional, musical, and exhausting. There was so much commotion in our house I had no desire to contribute to it. So I didn’t.

My first grade teacher didn’t seem to think it was odd that I didn’t say anything. She assigned me a desk, made sure I got lunch, and went on with the day. The year ended as it began.

Our second grade teacher was magical. She looked like Snow White and children whistled while they worked. She was young, happy, and smart. Or seemed to be, despite the fact that she didn’t seem to understand that I had nothing to say.

She’d ask me a question about arithmetic or spelling, wait for an answer, and act as though I gave one. The children, exasperated at her effort or frustrated with her innocence, repeatedly groaned, “Joyce doesn’t talk.” If she noticed she didn’t show it. Instead, she’d nod her approval and call on the next child. The same would happen at recess, which I’d spend situated in the crook of big shade tree. She’d stop by to visit, listen to me think, nod, smile, and continue her rounds.

We were nearing the end of the school year when she announced we were going to turn our favorite story, Hansel and Gretel into a play and… before she could finish her sentence the children went wild, waving their arms, vying for starring roles. She ignored the outburst. “Jimmy will play Hansel,” she said, “Susan will play Gretel, and the Witch will be played by…” the room hushed as she named the last of three cast-members, the one all remaining second graders now aspired…

“Joyce,” she said. Well, that did it. The class revolted. “JOYCE DOESN’T TALK!!!!” She was not moved. Her decision was final. The play would begin right after lunch.

She perched a hat on Hansel, tied an apron on Gretel, and tucked me inside the shimmery folds of her beautiful, black silk coat. I was perfectly, absolutely invisible.

It was show time. Hansel and Gretel, lost in the woods, made their way to the witch’s house where I, concealed inside the teacher’s coat, awaited them. That’s when it happened.

The witch cackled. She cackled, I cackled! Out loud, in a very scary, very convincing witch’s voice… and no one, not Hansel or Gretel, responded. Wondering where they all went, I peered out from my hiding place just as they cried out, “Joyce can talk!” They jumped up and down, hugged each other and best of all, they hugged me.

At our old family home, sitting in the midst of childhood memories, I received a phone call from my teacher, who is now 81. She was going through a scrapbook, found a letter I had written a very long time ago, telling her what she had meant to me. She wanted me to know what that letter meant to her.

My teacher, Jean House, had talent, grace, curiosity, intuition, infinite patience, and she changed my life. She taught school that one year and I had the extraordinary good fortune to have been one of her students.

To you who teach, who tutor, coach or mentor, from those of us who have benefited from your care, concern, and wisdom… we want you to know how much you have touched our lives.

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Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started her own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

“I provide our family gracious living; a fine home, cars, vacations, club memberships, you name it. I’ve been in a family business for a long while so I’m well connected. People would hire my teenager in a minute if I just asked. The good news is he doesn’t want my help; he wants to get a job on his own. The bad news is he’s not doing anything to get one. So I asked a buddy of mine to give my son a summer job. He said he would; all my kid had to do was pick up the phone and call him. I think problem solved. But my son didn’t call him. No matter how many times I told him to. Now I’m embarrassed my kid didn’t follow through. He still doesn’t have a job, and I don’t want to get anyone else involved in this mess. What can I do to solve his problem?”

As long as you provide “gracious living”, your teenager won’t be motivated to do anything about his problem. He doesn’t think he has one. Create one for him. Charge him for the food, shelter, clothing and transportation he enjoys. No pay, no play. And stick to the plan. If you waver a little or waver a lot, game’s over. You both lose.

“Our very independent teenage daughter wants to work this summer, and her father and I prefer she spend the time with us, bonding, traveling, and relaxing together. She’ll soon be off to college and a life of her own. We want to enjoy our little girl just a little longer. How can we say this to her and not come across as ‘smothering’? (Her choice of words, not ours.)”

Given that she’s independent, wants to earn her own way and create some personal space she’s differentiating herself from you and her dad. That’s part of the process typically described as ‘growing up’. You need to participate in that process as well and learn to let go. Respect your daughter’s preferences without guilt tripping or judging them, and trust that the values you’ve instilled within her will serve her well in the future.

“My son is interviewing for summer jobs and hasn’t had any luck. He’s clean-cut, polite, and very reserved. He’s not very competitive. He holds back and doesn’t sell himself. Have you any advice for him, or for us, in helping him overcome this hurdle?”

Bottom line, applicants of all ages have to assert themselves if they want to compete for available job opportunities. Teenagers, reserved and outgoing are more likely to enjoy work and add value when they’re well matched to environments that bring out the best in them. Outgoing teens who are energized by interaction enjoy working in social, relational settings found in retail, food service, and entertainment venues. Reserved teens who draw energy from within, prefer environments that support that preference; libraries, research centers, book stores, museums, art galleries; positions that rely more on individual contribution than team interaction.

If you want to help, ask how you can be a resource. Your teens might want a non- judgmental sounding board for their job seeking concerns or a way to role-play questions they’re apt to be asked. If you want to help, but don’t think you can (and neither do they), find them someone who can.

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Yes! You may use this article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started he own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

A: Exhale. If looking for another job helps you feel more in control, sure, do it. In the time it takes you to find something new, your current issues might be resolved, your anxiety in check, and your current boss pleased with you and your work.

Q: My daughter wants to quit school (she’s a freshman in a local college) and marry her boyfriend, also a youngster, who lives a thousand miles away. Her mother and I want her to complete her degree and then follow her heart’s desire. She’s said that she’s afraid her boyfriend won’t wait for her. What do you recommend?

A: Objective perspective and a reality check. Are you paying for your daughter’s education here, and will you pay for it there? If so, check with colleges in the area and find out if and when she can get accepted. If that’s not the plan, she’ll need a job. Check with the Employment Security Commission. If money will be an issue, contact Consumer Credit Counseling and analyze what she’ll need to earn to pay her expenses. If your daughter and her boyfriend are willing to take this on, have these conversations, listen, learn, and live with the economic and emotional consequences, and are fully committed to each other, find a way to make it work.

Q: I’ve just returned from my fifth visit with one company. How many interviews should it take to land one job?

A: It can take several if you’re interviewing for one of the company’s top positions. More than that and I’d be concerned about current leadership’s ability to make decisions and circumstances they may not have described. If you’re called back again, ask some tough questions of your own. This decision is a two-way proposition.

Q: My husband and I want our high school son to get an after school job. He’s running with a crowd that scares us and we think he’d be better off in a supervised environment. He’s not interested but he’ll do what we ask. What jobs do you recommend that he pursue?

A: You’re concerned that your son is easily influenced, unlikely to consider the negative consequences of his choices, and needs a structured environment to stay out of harm’s way. It also sounds like your son could benefit from learning a structured approach to problem solving and decision making so he can become aware of his options and have the confidence to make the right ones. Get him help. Encourage him to talk with you about the day-to-day choices and challenges he’s facing and how he’s currently dealing with them. He may be savvier than you give him credit and you may be more open and forgiving than he might have dared hope. And about that after-school job… involve him in deciding what it might be. He’ll soon be making those decisions for himself. There’s no time like the present for him to practice accountability in action.

Q: I’ve been made an offer with a company I don’t want to join. I’m afraid to turn it down and afraid that if I take it I’ll be miserable. What should I do?

A: I’m curious: why interview for a company where you don’t want to work? Pretend that you never did. Turn it down. You deserve better.

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Yes! You may use this article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started he own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

He’s just been laid off and never saw it coming.

He was starting to think about retirement. Not that he wanted to, but he was losing his edge; slower than he liked, more forgetful, less enthusiastic. It took energy to be enthusiastic. He’d need to save his energy for nights that he worked late.

Retirement’s gone. He’s been laid off. Now he needs to get a job.

***

If this sounds familiar, it is, and you’re not alone. The good news is, you can get your bearings, you can figure this out if you use your time and energy wisely and think differently than you have before. To get the next job you’ll need to connect with people you haven’t paid attention to in a very long while.

Rejoin your family. You need them to welcome you home. You’ll need to be as vital to them as you’ll soon find they are to you. You’ll want to have a place to be and a role to play. You’ll need to be a wise listener; an empowering husband, and an encouraging father. You want to learn about their life’s lessons, their struggles, and their successes so they’ll want to care about yours.

Take your time and stay the course. It won’t happen overnight. You worked your way out of their lives, you’ll have to earn your way back in, one day at a time.

Rejoin your community. Learn how to connect so you’ll know where to contribute. When you combine who you naturally are, with what you inherently do, and where that combination is needed most, and you give fully of yourself, you will get more in return than you can possibly anticipate.

Expand your thinking. When is the last time you read a book because you wanted to? If it’s been a long time (or you’ve never been a reader) you’re in for quite a surprise. There’s a world of information waiting for you. Explore and experience learning where other people go to learn. Go to the library, go back to school, go to a play, go to concert, google.

Take care of your heart, your head and your feet. If you’ve avoided check-ups because doctors tell you what you don’t want to hear, check-in. Tell them you’re ready to listen. And if they say it’s OK, lace up your shoes and take a brisk walk. Walk alongside babies in strollers, and dogs on leashes. Wave at children on swings and families on cookouts.

There are extraordinary ordinary people in this world who are ready and willing to assist you in your job search if you will let them know that they are important to you. Not because of what they do, but because of who they are.

* * * *

Yes! You may use this article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at www.thecoachingassociation.com.

If Carolyn were the only victim of her angst, that would be difficult enough. But she isn’t. Everyone who comes into contact with her is affected:

• Her boss. Carolyn is temperamental, so he treats her with kid gloves. No matter how careful he is when making a request, asking questions or providing feedback, he ends up feeling like the heavy. He doesn’t like the feeling.
• Her peers. Carolyn insists on working in a quiet space. If they talk loudly, she looks angry. If they whisper to not distract her, she looks suspicious. They feel like they have to tiptoe around her. They don’t like the feeling.
• Her direct reports. Carolyn micro manages and second-guesses everything they do. They feel intimidated and inadequate. They don’t like the feeling.

When Carolyn was in college she was long on honors and short on friends. She avoided anything and anyone that got in the way of her studies. Whatever she learned didn’t include managing her emotions or her relationships.

How has she remained so insensitive to the effect she has on others? Everyone just kept their collective mouths shut.

Her parents: “Leave Carolyn alone. You know how difficult smart children can be.”

Her teachers: “Carolyn is very intense and emotional, like many gifted students. People will learn to work around her and accept her as she is.”

The problem is, they haven’t and they won’t.

What’s Carolyn’s take on all this?

“I work harder than anyone else in this company. I come in earlier and stay later and take work home when I leave. I work every weekend and still worry that I won’t get it all done.

I know that people resent me. It’s obvious. But if I allow myself to be influenced by that, I’ll fail at my job. Doing my work right is more important to me than being popular.

I’m too intense? Well, I guess so! Wouldn’t you be? Now, get out of my way, I have work to do.”

Sorry, Carolyn. Despite your commitment to excellence, you are ineffective. Being smart, hardworking and focused just doesn’t cut it if no one is willing to work with you. Unless you learn how to behave differently and act upon what you learn, you’re going to be on your own. Completely.

What can Carolyn do? If she knew, she’d probably be doing it.

So Carolyn, (or Caleb, Carl or Carla) here’s a crash course in business savvy:

Stop worrying about what you can’t control. Focus on what you can. You will never get it all done or have the answers to questions that may never be asked. And if you are spending your time trying to do both, you’re spreading yourself thin and wearing yourself out.

Are you saying “yes” to the wrong things and saying “no” to the wrong people? What are your boss’s priorities? If you don’t know, don’t assume. Ask. Your productivity should correspond to your boss’s expectations of you, not what you think those expectations should be.

Are you making your boss’s requests into something more complex than he intends? Simplify. Unnecessary complexity begets complication that can gum up the works and increase everyone’s tension levels. You end up wasting time with needless delays and pointless headaches.

Are you carrying more of the load than anyone should? Who’s putting it there? If it’s your subordinates, you may be the one extending the invitation. When your do-more attitude collides with their do-less behavior, you end up doing it all. Bad idea. Learn how to delegate. Learn what to delegate. Learn to provide honest and timely feedback to those who do it well and those who need to do it better.

If you only remember one thing, remember this: People won’t remember you as working the hardest or being the smartest. You’ll be remembered for how well you played the game and how well you treated your teammates along the way.

* * * *

Yes! You may use this article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at www.thecoachingassociation.com.