Sticky Interviews

In Made to Stick, Chip and Dan Health tell us that memorable stories, stories that stick, are simple, unexpected, concrete, credible, and emotional. The Heath brothers may not have consciously applied that perspective to the art of interviewing, but its well worth the effort.

An interview that works is memorable. It is complexity simplified; a conversation between equals that is grounded by unexpected clarity and purpose. It’s concrete; the speaker succinctly describing a learning experience in definable, quantifiable ways.

Simply told stories from experience evoke emotion, combine credibility with integrity and tell the truth about making a difference. They are straightforward, easily understood and easily remembered.

The employers’ predictable question, “Tell me about yourself”, invites the applicant to tell a story. Employers want to know what it is about you, what you do and how you do it, that can add value to what they need and why they need it. They want to know how you think and what motivates you to behave as you do. Your values are the underpinning of your actions and drive your behavior. Your behavior is the structure of your story. Have the courage, the insight, and the self- awareness to tell it.

As a career coach I’ve worked with people who want to find jobs, leave jobs, keep jobs, and change jobs. Those who find their way with the fewest energy draining detours are those who are open to possibility: possibility that there is more instead of less, that mistakes are opportunities to learn; that learning opportunities can be painful but the pain is time limited and the wisdom that’s accrued is worth the effort it takes to get there.

Those who succeed in what they do are satisfied with who they are yet want to be more than they have been. They are, among other things, curious. They ask themselves and others, “why?” Not just to challenge assumptions but to explore their world and expand their minds; to find answers, discover problems, and find answers to solve them. They want to learn because they know that it is there, attainable, and they want to understand it, learn from it, and grow from it.

Those who struggle, consistently struggle in their careers see life as a series of contests to be lost, closed doors and shuttered opportunities. Their world is limited by their view of it; rules, regulations, and policies that define not what they can, but what they cannot, dare not, do. They have adopted a scarcity mentality and communicate its negative philosophy at work, at home, and in the interviewer’s office. Their story is one of endings with no beginnings; a story the interviewer would rather forget than remember.

Interviewers don’t want to hear stories of can’t, won’t, don’t, he did it to me and she made me do it. They don’t want testimony from the helpless and hopeless. They don’t want to hire followers unless they’re willing to learn how to manage and lead others.

They want to know that potential employees trust and are trustworthy. That potential employees believe development is what enables and empowers others to achieve, that it benefits those with whom they work, who work for them, the customers they serve and the employer who invests in each employee with each pay- check and each opportunity.

They want you to tell them your story, your way, so they can remember it and tell others that you’re the one who can make a difference because you can, because you want to, because you’ve done it before and you want to do it again. For them.

Imagine Your Interview

I just got your message marked urgent. You have an interview tomorrow morning; you want to know what to do; and you want to know it now.

For starters, relax. You’re so uptight you’re likely to shut down the

interview along with the interviewer. Go for a walk, jog, or

swim and think about how you want to be on that interview.

Image your calm, cool, and collected self driving to the meeting, knowing

where you’re going, with plenty of time to spare, wearing clothes and shoes that fit you well and comfortably. Then picture yourself parking in the visitor’s lot, walking to the building, greeting the receptionist, providing your name along with the name and title of the person you’ve come to see. And see yourself sitting patiently as you wait however long it takes for the interview to begin.

As the interviewer approaches, image yourself naturally extending your arm

for a firm, warm, dry hand-shake and upon entering his office, waiting to be

seated until he gestures you to the appropriate chair. You sit comfortably, you’re

alert, tilted forward ever so slightly, your arms uncrossed, your feet on the

floor.

You picture the interviewer as your equal, as interested as you are

in finding the right match. You notice how the meeting begins

conversationally, with small talk about the weather, having a fine

weekend, and an easy time finding the office. He begins by asking you the

question you’ve most looked forward to,” tell me about yourself”, and you

describe why you are interested in working with the company and what you

believe you can do to contribute to their organization’s success.

As the interview progresses you delight in how your practice sessions have

paid off…  how easily you respond to open-ended questions about your strengths, skills, and abilities to overcome business challenges, to be a team player, and to attain individual as well as team goals.

You let the interviewer set the pace, the tone, and climate for the

meeting. You focus on why you want to be there and why you were invited to be

there. Your style is pleasantly upbeat and optimistic as you describe your

experience through a perspective of authenticity, curiosity, and consideration.You

obviously enjoy the opportunity to learn about what’s important to this company

and its leadership team.

You’re pleased that you took the time to study the company’s website

particularly when the employer referenced it,  asking questions about it. You seemed to surprise him with your level of understanding of their business and market strategy. He didn’t realize that you had also gone on line to read some recent articles published about them in the News & Record and the Wall Street Journal.

Your listening skills are at their very best. You take in what the

interviewer’s saying and when you’re unclear of his meaning, you clarify your

understanding before responding. You’re able to connect his comments to your

experiences, demonstrating your knowledge and ability to add value to his

organization.

You ask open-ended exploratory questions about the company’s direction

and its strategy to get there; the culture of the company, how people treat each

other, what they expect of one another, what the boss will expect of you and

what it takes to demonstrate success in the short term and over time.

The conversation moves effortlessly between you. The interviewer indicates he’ll

be in touch and you confirm your interest in the job.

You know the interviewer will draw conclusions, as will you; he’ll make comparisons, as will you, and he’ll come to a decision. As will you. And that’s as it should be.

Are you ready? Then go get ’em, tiger!

He Wants More

The caller wanted help with his job search. He said he had been at it for more than a year and couldn’t land anything that he wanted to accept. I asked him why he was looking for a job and all he could muster was why he was leaving one. I asked him what he does best and all he could tell me was what he does most. I asked him how he adds value and he told me what he wants to get paid.

He’s typical of job seekers who know that where they are or what they’re doing just doesn’t get it. They know themselves well enough to recognize burnout when they see it, when they live for another Saturday and can’t bear the thought of another Sunday. What they don’t know or can’t see is how to describe satisfaction, how to define ‘next’, how to map a route to something better.

Where do you begin when your focus has been on don’t, won’t, can’t, and why bother? Find a time in your life when ‘yes’ was your natural response, and will and can and ‘I’d love to do that’ comes immediately to mind.

On this particular day and with this particular caller the best times had been when he was in high school, playing clarinet in the school band and on  occasion, when he was really lucky, in a dance band at a small family resort just south of town.

“I loved it all,” he said, “the music and the way people of all ages responded to it. That’s the only time I can remember feeling at one with who I was and what I did.” I asked if he continued with his music after high school. He said that he hadn’t; he had to work his way through college and between work and study he didn’t have time for music. I asked if he missed it.

“I missed it terribly”, he said. “More than I thought possible. I never really liked school but my parents believed in education. When I didn’t have music as a social release I stopped socializing. I couldn’t afford to go out, so I didn’t. I just worked and went to school.”

He said that he majored in Business Administration “because my advisors said it was a safe bet; narrow enough to land a job and broad enough to not get pigeon-holed. My parents said the goal was getting the degree, not having to like it.”

When I asked what he had chosen to do in his life that he enjoyed, that validated him and reflected his values he couldn’t come up with anything. He said that he didn’t know that was an option. He assumed that life was a series of events you survived by hard work and abstinence. “Abstinence from what?” I asked.

“To survive you have to live a life of doing more with less, self-discipline, self-restraint; not asking for or wanting more than life is apt to give you.”

I asked if given a second chance, what he would have done differently. He said that he would have majored in music education, taught in a high school, played in community orchestra and yes, if he were lucky enough, would have moonlighted on occasional weekends with a dance band.  He said that it lifted his spirits just to talk about it. I asked if that were good enough. “No, it isn’t”, he said, with a certainty that surprised me. “Now that I remember what it felt like to do what I loved and be appreciated for it, I know what I want and what I need to do. Thanks”

Try Again

If you’re willing to think through your answers and select the responses most likely to lead where you want to go, you can turn a potentially difficult interview into an honest, open exchange of relevant information.

When you’re asked, “why were you fired?” don’t play victim or blame the person who fired you. Accept accountability for your role in the outcome and connect your strengths to what employers want and say they need.

Why did your boss fire you?

He fired me because I intimidated him. I was smarter than he was and he was worried I’d take his job away from him.

Instead of assuming what your boss thought, tell me what you knew and what you did.  Try it again.

I knew I was underemployed. I accepted a job that wasn’t challenging. I was frustrated because I wanted to do more and make more decisions. I was second-guessing my boss in front of his boss. I know why he let me go.

That’s the ticket and that’s accepting accountability. Next, move the conversation from the past to the future by connecting your strengths to the job opportunity:

I’m at my best when I’m doing work that’s mentally challenging and I’m part of the decision making process.

That’s more like it.

Here’s a question for someone returning to the workforce:

Your resume indicates you haven’t worked for a few years. What have you been doing?

I’ve been a stay at home mom with two small kids. My husband left me with little financial help and it was up to me to get it all done.

It’s a compelling truth but it’s not a compelling reason to hire you.  Why should the employer hire you? Try it again.

I’ve been a single parent stay at home mom. During that time I’ve had a variety of experiences leading, managing, supervising, training, and developing others, sustaining relationships under sometimes adverse conditions, while remaining positive, encouraging and flexible. I’ve worked under pressure, under budget, coming up with creative solutions to complex problems, for groups of all ages, all while maintaining my balance and sense of humor.  I am more than ready to take on this job!

You nailed it. Now, answer this one:

Describe the worst boss you’ve ever had.

My worst boss acted like I couldn’t please him.

Try again.

My worst boss was also my best: He could be demanding and impossible to please but he caused me to learn more, try harder, and improve my work product.

Here’s a question that, if you’re not careful, can derail a good interview:

What are your biggest weaknesses?

I have trouble getting places on time, I’m impatient with stupid people, and I bite my nails.

Remember, when you answer, keep the employer top of mind. Why should she hire you? Try again.

I get very focused on my work and as a result I can run late to my next appointment. I’m demanding of myself and that can come across as being demanding of others, and I do get impatient with others when deadlines are looming and they’re not as responsive as I’d like them to be.

Here’s a question you can count on being asked:
Tell me about yourself.

I was born in Kalamazoo, Michigan and I have two brothers and a sister and went to…

Whoa. The interviewer wants to know why he should hire you. Try it again.

I’m at my best when I’m working with people who focus on objectives, and teams that work together to get the job done. I’m a strong communicator, a listener and leader, who believes in combining guidance with empowerment and alignment with intention.

Go get ‘em, Tiger.

Ouch!

Job applicants seem to complain a lot when they describe how they feel they’re treated during and after their interviews. I thought it only fair to get some candid perspective from prospective employers and the applicant situations that bother them. Here are just a few:

Our interview committee was so impressed with a job candidate we wanted to make him an offer on the spot. The hiring manager insisted that we check references first and although the rest of us didn’t think it necessary, we went along and made a few calls. I called the first name listed and the so-called reference never heard of the applicant. I called the second on the list and was told the reference died several years ago. The third person on the list knew the applicant but didn’t have anything good to say about him. We not only didn’t make the offer, we decided that we won’t hire anyone unless we check references thoroughly, no matter how impressive the applicants are in person or on paper.

On the subject of decorum:

Too many young applicants treat our waiting area like it’s their personal break room. They bring in food, drinks and cell phones; they’re loud and use disrespecting language. We’re not interested in hiring them if they don’t know how to show consideration for our workplace and the people who work here.

These comments were addressed to ”seasoned employees who ought to know better”…

We continue to be distressed at the number of job candidates who walk into interviews while talking on their cell phones, who check text messages and take calls in mid-interview, and those who ask us (with a polite gesture) to wait while they complete their conversations. Tell them to leave their blasted cell phones in the car.

This employer described job applicants who shoot themselves in the foot by demonstrating their total lack of self-awareness:

Save me from applicants who explain why they’re late by telling me about their sick children, cars they can’t count on, and clocks that don’t work.  Shield me from applicants who wear seductive clothing, overpowering perfume, and exhale stale tobacco breath all over me and my office. Protect me from applicants who describe their depression, confess their addiction, and describe their predilection for things I just don’t want to know. Tell them to limit their comments to skills, strengths and abilities that would cause me to hire them, so neither they nor we are compromised in the process.

This employer weighed in on resumes filled to the brim with fabrication:

According to the applicant’s resume he went to the best schools and worked for the best companies. His problem was that the document looked like a bad cut and paste job; different fonts, different formats, like it was lifted from different sources. Because it looked suspect I checked it out and found out that none of it was true. I don’t know what other companies do, but if we hire someone and later find out his or her resume is a deliberate misrepresentation of the facts, we terminate that person, immediately.

And then there’s this story about an applicant so rehearsed she sounds like she’s memorized a script:

I knew the minute she walked through the door she was too tense for her own good. Whatever question I asked she responded with something that sounded memorized. There wasn’t anything spontaneous about her, so naturally I questioned her about flexibility and her ability to work under changing conditions. She stared at me  blankly, then looked like she was going through her mental Rolodex of responses and finally said, “I haven’t practiced that one yet. What do you think would be a good answer?”

Tell Your Story

The interviewer asks you to describe your strengths. You respond by reciting a ready list of tidy, scouts-honor phrases.

“I’m loyal, honest, hard-working….”

Are you making points with the interviewer? Probably not. She’s heard the same or something similar from everyone she’s asked. Rather than parrot words that may be true but sound like the National Anthem of all Job Seekers, advance your candidacy. Describe your attributes in ways that demonstrate your understanding of what those words mean to you and the circumstances in which they apply.

You are more than the sum of two or three words. Expand your responses so you’re more than a cliché. For practice’ sake, I’ve provided some examples. Tailor them so that your intentions match your impact. For example, if you typically say that you initiate, anticipate, and have integrity, create word pictures that tell your story. Here’s what I mean:

Initiate: When you initiate you capitalize on opportunity before the moment can pass. When you initiate effectively, you combine instinct, logic, and action and respond to all three. When you initiate you’re aware that consequences follow, that you learn, stretch, grow, make mistakes, and gain experience while developing a reputation as someone willing to take and manage risk.

Anticipate: Actions yield consequences. If you act on instinct without

considering consequence, your mistakes can outweigh your intentions. When you anticipate, you evaluate outcomes prior to creating them, improving your odds for long term and short- term success.

Integrity: Integrity is an inside-out process that integrates thought and

feeling, action and reaction.  It defines and clarifies what you value as important and are willing to defend without compromise. When you demonstrate integrity you conduct yourself accordingly and consistently, in all places and with all people.

Timeliness: If time is the currency of the workplace, your timeliness

describes how appropriately you spend it.  If time is a commodity, being timely dictates the value of your effort and the outcome of its worth. Spending time toward an end that benefits you at the expense of others, manipulates time. Utilizing time in ways that solve problems and achieve goals for all concerned is time well spent.

Loyalty: Loyalty is a demonstration of trust.  Trust in ones

employer is based upon an assumption of shared values and principles. Employees are perceived as loyal when they consistently behave in ways that mirror the observed behaviors, implicit beliefs, and effectively and efficiently respond to the expressed or unexpressed expectations of their leadership. Employees are seen as disloyal when those behaviors, beliefs, and expectations are ignored, questioned, or violated, consistently, and over time.

Employers are seen as loyal to their employees when they consistently communicate their intentions and reasonable expectations, do what they say they will, and tell the truth while demonstrating courage, conviction, and compassion.

Honesty: Honest people tell the truth as it is, not as they wish it

could be. They tell the truth to inform or persuade, not manipulate or conceal. Honest employees have agendas that are open to examination and clarification. They respond to criticism by focusing on solutions and common interests.

Strategic: Strategic thinkers consider, evaluate, and analyze potential as they envision future opportunity. They design and develop methodology to optimize that potential.

Tacticians respond to strategic vision by objectively modifying and codifying what must be done to achieve it.

Organized: Combining intellectual organization and

external structure enables you to prioritize importance and communicate findings, to take appropriate action or motivate others to do the same.

Respectful: Respectful employees are true to their personal preferences, values, and principles even as they show consideration for those whose opinions, perspectives, and orientations differ.

Accountable: Accountable employees consistently examine choices, acknowledge consequences, and own results.

Q&A

“I’m intimidating. I know it. I don’t like it. I’ve never known what to do about it. Believe me, I’ve tried. It’s my personality. My whole family’s like that. My mom’s direct and my father more so. My brothers and sisters are all competitive go-getters. We earned our stripes around the kitchen table. Every meal was a potluck of competing voices and spirited debates. We argued about everything you shouldn’t; from politics and religion, to obscure factoids and just plain nonsense. We loved it.  No surprise that everyone who grew up in our house is candid, opinionated, and brutally honest. The problem we’ve all encountered is that no one seems to like our opinions as much as we do.”

The caller had been terminated from a job she enjoyed and thought she was doing well. Her boss had consistently rated her as “exceeding expectations” and “high achieving”. She recalled being told that her overbearing style was “difficult” but it didn’t seem to be a big deal. She assumed that achievement outweighed style; that despite her argumentative nature, she actually cared what people thought.

She remembered another occasion when her boss had taken her aside and asked that she hold back in meetings and let others take the lead; that her colleagues were less apt to talk after she stated her opinion.  When that happened she thought it best to say less and keep a respectful distance. In her exit interview she was stunned to learn that her efforts at humility were interpreted as having  “a demanding style and negative attitude that was punctuated by moodiness and thinly veiled hostility.”

She was frustrated, angry, hurt and confused.

“I don’t know how to fix this or if I can.  I’m afraid to take another job for fear of it happening again. Do other people have this problem? What can I do about it?

You’re not the only one. You have more company than you might imagine. And yes, you can you keep it from happening again if , and that’s a big, heavy-lifting if, you’re willing to 1) search for employment opportunities in organizational cultures that reward your strengths and value your personality style; 2) seek on-going objective, constructive feedback and coaching from a limited number of trusted sources so you can understand when and why your behaviors net negative reactions; 3) learn alternative responses that net positive outcomes.

In the meantime, consider the following, reevaluate your past actions, and choose more effective ways to relate and react to others.

Communicators who are as forceful, direct, and uncompromising as you describe yourself, should work with employees equally comfortable with that combative style. Therefore, stay away from jobs that require you to be a team player or a team leader. That’s not you. Stay away from jobs that require you to develop and learn from others. That’s not you either. You want a job that gives you the right to always be right, a trait as unpleasant to employers and co-workers as it is to prospective customers, clients, and vendors.

You can change your behavior without changing your character. You can be honest, open, and direct and bring out the best in others if you focus on them instead of yourself. You can learn patience, develop empathy, and demonstrate compassion without compromising quality, performance, or outcomes. You can learn to give others time and space to make their points without challenging or ridiculing them. You can learn to question perspective, not judge it. You can learn to invite expansive thinking and not limit or diminish creative response.

You have the makings of a leader and the style of a bully. Develop the former, forgo the latter and you have great potential for career success.

For Moms and Dads

Moms, Dads, your grown kids are home for the holidays. Some of them are gainfully employed, making tons of money. They’re beautifully groomed, happy, healthy, generous, and kind to small animals. They’ve not only met your expectations, they’ve exceeded them.

Others have returned home, not for the holidays, but for the duration. As kind, good, well groomed, respectful and generous they may (or may not) have been in the past, what’s been leeching out lately hasn’t been so pleasant. They’re touchy, defensive, withdrawn, depressed and you’re at a loss to know what to do or how to react.

Your beloved grown children are out of work. Scared. Alone. And they want to be under your roof with you. And your cooking. Cleaning. Car. And hopefully, charge card. That’s not quite what you had in mind when you thought you launched them several years ago.

What’s a well- meaning parent to do?

“Why can I do? I can’t close my door to them. I feel stuck. I want to help, but don’t know how or if I should. None of my friends’ children have done this so I’m a little embarrassed to talk about it. Help!”

There’s no shame for them or for you that your children have come home. These are tough times. Life is expensive. It takes two salaries to do what one salary did and when one salary is the only salary and it goes away, the person impacted needs time to regroup and rethink. It’s natural to want to go home, literally and figuratively, to the emotional support and hot meals of memory. It’s natural for parents to want to embrace that need or feel that they should. It’s unnatural to expect parents to embrace the memory of piles of dirty clothes, dirty dishes, and a disrupted life.

There are mixed emotions on both sides of the equation. Grown children don’t want to live at their parents’ home. They see their return as a public admission of failure and a private act of defeat.  They want to retain the independence that time and effort have earned them They don’t want to return to a time and place where they were children, and they don’t want to compare notes with childhood friends who are now successful.  They don’t know what else to do.

How can adult children and their parents weather this unexpected and unplanned passage with maturity, grace and humor? By setting boundaries, clarifying expectations, establishing agreements, and demonstrating respect for each other.

For parents, setting boundaries can include hours for coming and going, and meal times  Clarifying expectations can range from charging room and board to bartering food and lodging for lawn and home care and maintenance, cooking and cleaning, etc. Establishing agreements requires open and honest communication and keeps flawed assumptions from derailing family relationships.

If you’re at a loss as to how to approach these vexing problems, what would you do if you were renting a room to someone you didn’t know.

Returning grown-kids need to set expectations and boundaries for their parents as well as well as understand the ones they’ll need to heed.  Before moving in, establish financial obligations: how much is room? and if board is included, what are the hours? If there’s no charge, barter your services in exchange for what you are so graciously offered. And keep your word.

Advise your parents on the best way to discuss your unemployment. Say with you and with others. Sound tough? It’s the best bargain you can get while protecting your relationship with the people you always want to be there, in word and deed.

Travel and Job Seeking

What does job search and foreign travel have in common? Having recently returned from a business trip abroad, I’m not only brimming with fresh perspective and chock full of new learning, I see connections I’d earlier have missed.

The learning: Airline personnel, flight cancellations, impatient travelers. When the few are assigned the work of the many and there’s a critical intersection of the few, complicated by a critical interruption of the many, chaos reigns.  The ensuring struggle becomes emblematic of any business or organization in the throes of downsizing, limited supply, and crushing demand. The fragile system that supports a tentative network breaks down.

The lesson for job seekers:  Do your homework before you even think of

accepting a job offer, however attractive it appears to be. If the company you want to join has been laying off employees instead of hiring them, you’re walking into a structure that has been stressed and surviving personnel who have been stretched. Can they and their systems react quickly and appropriately to change that is predictable, yet not of their choosing? Are they planning for the long term or struggling to survive the world of “what’s happening now”?

The learning: It helps to speak the same language. When issues are simple and time ample, the gulf created by cultural and language difference is negotiated with relative ease (“How charming” we say. “How American” they reply, as we each smile, nod, and cautiously make our way around the other). However, when time is currency, and there’s too little of it to enjoy the impasse, minor gaffes create major blunders, cultural customs create corporate inefficiencies.

The lesson for job seekers: When interviewing, realize that what you say (or think you’ve said) isn’t necessarily what they hear (or thought they’ve heard). What are priorities for you, may not be priorities for them; what they value most may be what you value least. Clarify understanding, yours and theirs, while you both have time to adjust your thinking, alter your plans, negotiate your differences, and work for a common and desired outcome.

The learning: It’s important to be well rested. Travel can be tiring. International travel can be exhausting. You’ll change sleep cycles, social contacts, and meal times to meet the calendar and clock of the location and people with whom you interact.  Change your circadian rhythm and you affect your blood pressure, body temperature, sleep patterns, and ability to digest the food you’re not used to eating. No wonder you feel as though your brains and your batteries have been popped in backwards.

To look and behave as though you know what you’re doing, to have your words leave your mouth in the order in which you conceived them, you’ll have to pace yourself, and get the rest you need.

The lesson for job seekers: You don’t need to travel abroad to realize the benefits of good, sound, uninterrupted sleep. The better your rest, the more productive you’re likely to be. Each of us are different, some of us requiring more, some fewer hours of sleep to be at our best. Whatever you rest you need, be sure you get it and recognize that when stressed you might need more sleep than ordinarily would be enough.  (How do you know? If you’re easily distracted, forgetful, moody, clumsy, and nodding off instead of networking and knocking on doors, get some sleep).

Whether you’re traveling to the coast or to Costa Rica, eyeing a job in IT or in Italy, plan ahead. Think strategically and behave tactically. What’s your goal?  How will you measure your progress toward achieving it? What do you want, why do you want it, and how will accomplishing it align with your priorities, values, and longer- term objectives?

The Dream

You’re having a struggle. You’re trying to identify the career direction your life should take and despite your best efforts you can’t figure it out. You’ve sought advice from your best friend to your dad’s business partner; you’ve read self-help books, walked in the woods, read the want ads, and nothing’s helped. Then, one night, you have a dream…

You’re standing in the great check-out line of life, and you’re handed a clip board and questionnaire. You’re told that you must complete the form before you’re allowed to pass from where you are to where you’re going.  Once the Gates open you’ll get to choose what your next career should be.

You’re advised to pull up a chair, relax and reflect; you have plenty of time to answer the questions with care and consideration:

1. Which of your life achievements are you most proud and why?
2. What do you wish you had spent more time doing, and what, less?
3. What areas of your life have you consistently overlooked despite their importance to your sense of self and well- being?
4. If you had a chance to do next what you want to do most, what would next look like?

The man sitting next to you writes his responses with an energy and enthusiasm that suggests he knows exactly where he’s going.

“I do!” He says triumphantly. “It’s what I put off doing when I married and had children. It’s what I wanted but felt selfish pursuing. It involved financial risk and personal courage. I could have handled the risk and I had the courage, but I didn’t feel right asking my family to sacrifice a comfortable lifestyle for me to attain it. So I didn’t.”

“What is it?” I asked, assuming it involved sword-swallowing, storm chasing, or bungee jumping.

“I’m going to be a musician.”

“A musician? What’s so daunting about that? It doesn’t seem like such a risk.”

“It is if you’re a teenager and your parents say ‘You’re a fool’; ‘You’ll fail’; ‘Play it safe’; ‘There’s no future in it’. So I gave up on what I loved most and went with a career that paid the mortgage and made me miserable. I never dreamed I’d get another chance to do what I love. This time I’ll get it right. He completed the questionnaire, gave it to the Company Representative, and jogged through those Pearly Gates.

You were about to revisit the questionnaire when you noticed a woman seated to your right. She appeared deep in thought. You waited for her to break her concentration so you could ask if she were making any progress in completing the form.

“Oh yes, thank you, I am. I know exactly where I want to go next.”

Thinking of the conversation you just had with the fellow to your left, you asked, “Is it somewhere you’ve always wanted to go but hadn’t the courage to make it happen?”

“No”, she said simply. “I’m going to do a better job of going where I’ve already been.”

Your quizzical look spurred her to continue.

“I’ve spent too much time worrying about my looks, my title, and my competence. I want to do whatever’s next, differently. I want to spend more time exploring ideas and pursuing possibilities. I want to be fully present for the people who spend their time with me. I want to embrace life as it is, rather than battle it because it’s not what I want it to be.”

Your alarm clock rings and as it does, you realize that it’s time to wake up to the fact that you’ve avoided the obvious: asking yourself the questions you’ve not wanted to answer. You go to your laptop, and remembering the questionnaire, begin writing…

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