(If your name is Dani and this story reads like a story you’ve lived, It’s just a coincidence.)

Dani had that All American Girl look, the one the Ivory Soap commercials used to feature; scrubbed, fresh-faced, healthy, outdoor gals who exuded intelligence along with good taste in facial cleansing products.

She was having trouble with her career, feeling a little stuck, and not knowing what to do about it.

Dani had gone to a college of her parent’s choosing, and majored in her father’s preference, business. His reasoning, sound as always, was that she’d be able to earn a substantial income with that degree and blessed with her intelligence she’d have no trouble mastering the coursework required of her.

Dani had always been conflicted regarding a career direction. Her biggest problem was that she didn’t want to think about it. Her father had been trying to focus her attention on a career as long as she could remember. His mantra was always the same: you’re smart, school comes easily to you, and you can do anything you set your mind to.  That was the rub. She didn’t want to set her mind to anything. She was an excellent student who didn’t have to study. She spent her free time doing what she loved: drawing, reading, taking walks in the woods, her dogs always by her side.  She loved art and always had a sketchbook in hand. As important as art was to her, she had an even greater passion for the outdoors.  Typically soft spoken and low key, she surprised herself and others with how strongly she felt about protecting, conserving, and advocating for the environment.

As a student, Dani excelled in math but had no desire to do anything with it, an issue her father repeatedly raised when asking her to examine her career options and the potential of each. He insisted that she didn’t need to love her work to excel in it. It was only logical that she major in business. Case closed.

“Listen to me. You’re my only child. I want what’s best for you. Why would I steer you wrong?”

Dani had no trouble gaining entrance to the college of her parents’ dreams. She dropped out after spring semester of her freshman year, and moved in with some artist friends she had known when she was in high school. She stayed away from college and parents for several years, taking part time  jobs at a veterinary hospital, a city recreation department, a natural science center, and a nature conservancy. She wasn’t able to make peace with herself and felt directionless in her work.

Over time she reconnected with her family but carefully avoided any discussion of her working future. Her parents, catching on that forcing the issue forced their unwanted separation from her, learned to avoid the topic. They were as concerned as ever, but over time and reluctantly, let go of their need to control Dani’s future for her.

Relieved that her parents were providing her the space and tentative acceptance she needed, Dani returned to school. This time it was one she chose. It wasn’t as highly regarded as her parents’ choice, but it was located in the town where she lived and she could afford it. She attended year round, working part time jobs to pay her tuition, and accepting, sparingly and gratefully, a little financial support from her parents. They worried as much as usual but wisely kept their concerns and counsel to themselves.

Dani combined her natural interests and competencies, majored in Forestry Management, and to her own relief and the enthusiastic applause of her parents, received her degree five years later.

That’s almost the end of the story. If you remember, Dani was at a stuck place in her career. She loved her work but there was something missing and she didn’t know what it was. Perhaps you’ve guessed. She’s an artist, a natural, yet she hadn’t picked up a sketchpad since her first attempt at college (“I lost my desire to paint or draw anything, that’s how miserable I was back then” she said.). Today, Dani has as rich a life outside her work as she has within it. She volunteers at the local children’s museum and “Y”, teaching youngsters the nature and wonder of art and ecology. She enjoys life. The Ivory Soap people would be proud.

* * * *

Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started her own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com

A client  shared this childhood experience with me and described the  impact that it’s had on her life and career. She said I could share it with you. The only thing I’ve changed are the names…

“Momma loved to get into her car and drive wide open. Only problem was she’d fall asleep at the wheel. She’d sleep anywhere she’d put herself and she was more apt to put herself at the wheel than anywhere else.”

Momma had narcolepsy and Sally was the designated child to keep her alive. Sally was the fourth of four, didn’t have a daddy, and was the one most likely to do anything she and her momma set their minds to doing. She was, hands down, her mother’s favorite.

Little wonder that when momma had just about enough of the round eyed “huh-us? “ of her three other children, she’d take off to the garage and back out the old Plymouth. Grinding gears and dialing up the radio, she’d start yelling for Sally to jump in quick.

Sally learned to run real fast when she’d hear the screen door slam and momma halloo to her. Momma wanted to get out in the cool night air, driving 80 miles an hour on country roads and hairpin curves, before she’d fall asleep again.

“Saaaallllllyyyyyy!!!” she’d be hollering. “Keep your blessed mother awake. Talk to me child, talk to me loud!”

Sally would bounce on her haunches, ears set up high like a terrier’s, talking and laughing and singing at the top of her lungs. She was having another electric evening with momma, keeping her awake at the wheel while they’d fly into the night. While they’d fly by the stars.

That was a long time ago. Now, Sally’s the grown up vice president of sales and marketing for a large consumer goods manufacturer, and the acknowledged right hand to a smart as a whip entrepreneur who doubles as a president and change agent.

He values Sally’s ability to know what he wants before he wants it, her ability to take risk and maintain a sense of balance amidst the chaos and ambivalence that risk creates. Above all, he values her ability to inhale his frenetic energy and exhale calm and confidence. Their combination is unbeatable.

For years recruiters have plied her with opportunities to lead companies; they implore her to “just talk with the search committee. Listen to what they’re telling you, Sally. You can do this! The sky’s the limit for you.”

She’ll have none of it. She knows who she is and what she does best. She’s not about to jump, untethered, into a career abyss. She knows what she brings to the table and is well compensated for it. Her career has taken off like her mother’s Plymouth and she’s not about to crash into Old Man Peabody’s store.

Mr. Peabody ran the general store at Cooper’s Crossing.  He was an ornery old coot and there wasn’t a soul in town who wanted to get around him. He probably never slept ‘cause you could see him, day or night, leaning on the counter next to the cash register, staring at nothing in particular. That was until the night momma flew into his store. Or crashed into it; depending on your perspective.

Sally and momma had taken off on one of their hair-raising rides through the countryside. Momma seemed different that night; she was calmer and drove like most other folks. The radio was turned down low, and somebody was singing something soft and sweet. Lulled by the near gentleness of the ride, Sally took her eyes off momma, and off the road ahead, and fell asleep.

It was then, or a second later, that they landed smack on top of the general store. Lucky for Mr. Peabody, he glimpsed momma and me and the car coming. That was just before it came to rest on the other side of the cash register.

He took a liking to momma, who took a liking to him, which kept her out of trouble, and Sally got to finish growing up. Years would pass before she’d realize how profound the experience was and how large a part it played in how she lived her life.

Sally’s willing to take the necessary risks when the goal feels right and the people wanting it are worth the challenge. What she learned from growing up with her mother was to anticipate: anything can take you off course.

She’s learned to evaluate, on the fly when necessary, that sometimes you have to take control away from those people who can destroy more than what looks like a summer night’s drive to the moon.

That’s what Sally does, and her boss trusts her to do it well.

* * * *

Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started her own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

If you have to think if  your joke is appropriate, it’s not. If you hesitate before lambasting a colleague, don’t. If you stop, however briefly, to determine the correctness of your comment, that’s reason enough to move it from the top of your agenda and the tip of your tongue. Study your action under cooler circumstances.

Company leaders familiar with personnel law and risk management are putting their employees on alert. Co-workers, already stressed with the “too much to do and no time to do it” syndrome, haven’t the energy or patience to tolerate abusive comments, raunchy jokes, and questionable language. Employees who feel harassed are threatening legal recourse in increasing numbers and companies that don’t want to appear on the court docket (or in the court of public opinion) know they mean business. Pun intended.

Why does bad behavior get a blind eye?

I had a client, a senior executive, sent to me for “corrective action.” His problem? He ogled women. He ogled women in elevators, in restaurants, in business meetings. He ogled his eyeballs out. No one took action until he visually groped the wrong woman (correction, the right woman) who reported his behavior to human resources and sent  copies of her complaint to the corporate attorney and the Chairman of the Board. As they attempted to placate the offended, they remanded the ogler to me.

He was angry.  He felt blindsided and railroaded. He resented that he was nailed as the bad guy. “They’re all part of it!” he exploded. “Everyone of them!”

What’s his story?

“Sure I do it,” he said. “And all the guys here love it. They laugh, they hoot, they cheer me on. As soon as I get caught, they run for cover,  screaming ‘blame him’, then sanctimoniously offer prayers for my redemption. No one ever said, “you’re out of line” until the legal department got hold of it.”

Was he telling the truth? I checked. He was. This guy had been acting that way for all the years he had been employed with the company. It bothered some, it didn’t bother others, and most said they either didn’t notice and if they did, they didn’t care. He was a heavy hitter. He made a lot of money for the company and everyone profited from his being there. No one gave him fair warning.

No wonder he was screaming foul. Does that give him a pass? No. He was wrong. His boss was wrong and his colleagues were wrong. Someone needed to step up and straighten this guy out. No one did.

Take a look around. If you’re working with people who cross the line in how they act or or what they say, do them a favor and do it now. Tell them that it makes youuncomfortable.  If they don’t want to hear about it, let them know that you’re taking it up the line.

Don’t wait. Whether you’re the target or the observer, take action before the behavior escalates to a consequence no one can back away from.

How do you know what’s out of bounds?

Is the joke at someone’s expense? Does the humor, no matter how foot-stomping, scapegoat someone? Is the behavior intimidating, humiliating, harassing, to someone?

Some people revel in over the top candor. “I tell it like it is, whether people like it or not!” For what purpose? Is the outcome they seek undone by the manner in which they seek it?

There was a time that companies and co-workers tolerated behavior that should never have been allowed. That time has gone. And the people who are doing it are going with it.

* * * *

Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started her own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

Dozens of human interest stories have emerged as a consequence of this year’s earthquakes, oil spills, fires and tornadoes. We’ve learned about the brave few who helped the many; the risk taking few who endangered the many; and the reluctant few who created more work for the dependable many. Read more

Screaming toddlers are banging on pots, demanding attention while their harried mothers and frazzled fathers yell in their phones and hunch over their desks, desperate to complete what looks like their job. Distraction controls. Chaos reigns. Nothing of value gets done. The banging gets louder and no one can listen because no one can hear.

This manager is done. “I am so over it, I just don’t care.”

She’s so tired of the back biting, gossip spreading, over the top and under the table squabbling of her employees that she’s ready to throw in the towel. She’s not leaving her job. She’s leaving her employees.

“All they do is complain about each other. I’ve told them again and again, “”I don’t want to hear about it. You fight it out between yourselves. Don’t come to me with this stuff anymore. I’ve had it with all of you!”

She says they keep yammering, like they don’t hear what she’s telling them.

She’s right, they don’t. And probably for reasons that are different than she might think.

They don’t hear her because they don’t believe she’s listening to what they’re telling her. They’re asking questions and not getting answers. They need more and are getting less. The more noise they make, the more anxious they become about something they need and aren’t getting.

Typically, employees want to know the basics: what does the boss expect, when does she expect it, and what should it look like when it’s done?

Once the basics are satisfied, the questions answered, other issues and needs can emerge:

I’m working as hard as I can, and I don’t feel that I’m getting the  recognition I deserve. When no one tells me how I’m doing, I get unsure of myself. What if my work isn’t what they expect? What if I’m not as good as I’m supposed to be? what if I lose my job?

When change is in charge, employees feel pulled from every direction. Each message they get sounds more pressing than whatever preceded it. If employees feel that the company’s compass is spinning out of control, they get real concerned and say so.

Ignoring complainers and complaints won’t result in making them go away. People and problems become increasingly complex and testy the longer they are neglected. What can start as concern and uncertainty can escalate to all out conflict.

Conflict. What can you do about it?  Avoid it?  Accommodate it? Personalize it?  Get combative, aggressive, and nasty about it?

Face it. Lower the volume, yours and theirs. Listen to reasons for concern before solving problems you don’t fully understand. Identify the impact of concerns and consequences of the impact. Separate the problem from the person speaking or the people being spoken about. Focus on the problem.

Ask open ended questions and exercise patience. It takes time and effort to listen when responses sound emotional, blaming, antagonistic. Allow the speaker full opportunity to vent. Confirm your understanding of what is being said by rephrasing. Proceed when your take is confirmed as accurate. Tone down the conflict by identifying common interests. Stay away from fixed positions (what you and I need) and focus on concerns (why you and I need it). If you can satisfy a concern you can usually satisfy a position.

Most conflicts are borne out of needs that people share and fear will be lost: recognition, affirmation, security, control, a need to belong and be well.

If your employees are spending more time making more noise than they are creating and producing, there’s a reason.  Find out why, what they need, and how you can work out a solution, together.

* * * *

Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started her own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

A client  shared this childhood experience with me and described the  impact that it’s had on her life and career. She said I could share it with you. The only thing I’ve changed are the names…

“Momma loved to get into her car and drive wide open. Only problem was she’d fall asleep at the wheel. She’d sleep anywhere she’d put herself and she was more apt to put herself at the wheel than anywhere else.”

Momma had narcolepsy and Sally was the designated child to keep her alive. Sally was the fourth of four, didn’t have a daddy, and was the one most likely to do anything she and her momma set their minds to doing. She was, hands down, her mother’s favorite.

Little wonder that when momma had just about enough of the round eyed “huh-us? “ of her three other children, she’d take off to the garage and back out the old Plymouth. Grinding gears and dialing up the radio, she’d start yelling for Sally to jump in quick.

Sally learned to run real fast when she’d hear the screen door slam and momma halloo to her. Momma wanted to get out in the cool night air, driving 80 miles an hour on country roads and hairpin curves, before she’d fall asleep again.

“Saaaallllllyyyyyy!!!” she’d be hollering. “Keep your blessed mother awake. Talk to me child, talk to me loud!”

Sally would bounce on her haunches, ears set up high like a terrier’s, talking and laughing and singing at the top of her lungs. She was having another electric evening with momma, keeping her awake at the wheel while they’d fly into the night. While they’d fly by the stars.

That was a long time ago. Now, Sally’s the grown up vice president of sales and marketing for a large consumer goods manufacturer, and the acknowledged right hand to a smart as a whip entrepreneur who doubles as a president and change agent.

He values Sally’s ability to know what he wants before he wants it, her ability to take risk and maintain a sense of balance amidst the chaos and ambivalence that risk creates. Above all, he values her ability to inhale his frenetic energy and exhale calm and confidence. Their combination is unbeatable.

For years recruiters have plied her with opportunities to lead companies; they implore her to “just talk with the search committee. Listen to what they’re telling you, Sally. You can do this! The sky’s the limit for you.”

She’ll have none of it. She knows who she is and what she does best. She’s not about to jump, untethered, into a career abyss. She knows what she brings to the table and is well compensated for it. Her career has taken off like her mother’s Plymouth and she’s not about to crash into Old Man Peabody’s store.

Mr. Peabody ran the general store at Cooper’s Crossing.  He was an ornery old coot and there wasn’t a soul in town who wanted to get around him. He probably never slept ‘cause you could see him, day or night, leaning on the counter next to the cash register, staring at nothing in particular. That was until the night momma flew into his store. Or crashed into it; depending on your perspective.

Sally and momma had taken off on one of their hair-raising rides through the countryside. Momma seemed different that night; she was calmer and drove like most other folks. The radio was turned down low, and somebody was singing something soft and sweet. Lulled by the near gentleness of the ride, Sally took her eyes off momma, and off the road ahead, and fell asleep.

It was then, or a second later, that they landed smack on top of the general store. Lucky for Mr. Peabody, he glimpsed momma and me and the car coming. That was just before it came to rest on the other side of the cash register.

He took a liking to momma, who took a liking to him, which kept her out of trouble, and Sally got to finish growing up. Years would pass before she’d realize how profound the experience was and how large a part it played in how she lived her life.

Sally’s willing to take the necessary risks when the goal feels right and the people wanting it are worth the challenge. What she learned from growing up with her mother was to anticipate: anything can take you off course.

She’s learned to evaluate, on the fly when necessary, that sometimes you have to take control away from those people who can destroy more than what looks like a summer night’s drive to the moon.

That’s what Sally does, and her boss trusts her to do it well.

* * * *

Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started her own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

A recent letter writer suggested that employees, the newly hired and the barely there,  would benefit from understanding that employers have some very basic expectations of them.

I heartily agree.

In fact, here’s one boss’s secret copy of Here’s What I Didn’t Tell You Because I Thought You Knew.

• This place is called “Work”
• Get to work earlier than on time (and that’s based on my watch, not yours).
• Get to work earlier than on time every day (based on my calendar, not yours.)
• Get to work prepared to do our work (which doesn’t include doing your personal bookkeeping; shopping; and arranging of your social calendar).
• Make and receive personal telephone calls at a place not called “Work”.
• If you’re the first one out the door at the end of the day, you’re leaving here too early. If  you’re the second one out the door, you’re still leaving too early. If you keep it up, don’t let the door hit you on your way out.
• Wear clean, closely woven, free of slogan clothing not so baggy as to hide large animals nor so brief as to reveal more than any of us need to know about you.
• Do the job I hired you to do.
• Leave people alone to do the jobs I hired them to do.
• If you take something, put it back (here, not where you live).
• If you ask for something, say please.
• If you are lucky enough to get it, say thank you.
• If you make a mess, clean it up.
• If you make a mistake, take care of it.
• I’ll give you a raise if you follow through, follow the rules, follow me and you’ll get it  when I say so.
• I’ll give you a promotion  if  you do everything on this list,  get along with everybody especially me and you’ll get it  when I say so.

This couldn’t be your boss? Well, check out another boss’s misplaced version of Here’s What I Didn’t Tell You Because I Thought You Knew.

• I don’t care what time you get here or what time you leave, just get the job done, on time and accurately.
• The job has more to it than I told you, because I forgot to tell you at the time.  So watch out, I’m going to critique you for what you didn’t do because I didn’t tell you. And, don’t go there. I’m not going to change.
• Anticipate. That’s what I want from you. Think ahead. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong unless you have a plan to make it right.
• Come to me with solutions. I’m not paying you for problems. I get them for free.
• I’m not going to say you’re doing a good job. I expect you to do a good job.
• I’ll tell you when you’re doing a bad job. I’ll only tell you once. So listen.
• Don’t ask me for pay increases or promotions. You’ll just put me in a bad mood. I’ll give you what I think you deserve. Just get the job done.
• I am moody. It doesn’t (usually) have anything to do with you. Don’t worry about it. I worry enough for both of us.

I haven’t tagged your boss yet? Well, I rummaged around and guess what I found. Yet another undisclosed version of Here’s What I Didn’t Tell You Because I Thought You Knew.

• Play nice.
• If you have a problem with someone, talk to them about it. I don’t want to know.
• If you have a problem with me, talk to someone else about it. I don’t want to know.
• You may have guessed by now, I don’t like problems.
• So, please, play nice.

The bottom line is this: There are as many expectations of employees as there are different managing and leadership styles. You don’t get to choose. You work with what you get. If you are equal parts observant, clairvoyant, savvy and responsive to the culture where you work and have as much substance as you have style, you’re going to make it.

* * * *

Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started her own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.